National Treasure, is there a category marked “Boring”?

By Nancy Johnson

There isn’t enough Cabernet Sauvignon to make me watch this again. Please why Nicolas Cage? No more please! Your monotone voice and the beady eyes, they haunt me at night, or is that my cat? “National Treasure” starts with a history lesson with a grandfather and grandson. Ok cool. Let’s begin. I’m ready to learn.

Then we move to an ice scene, (should have been in my glass) and here starts Cage’s dialogue… (the names and lines have been changed to protect your brain) Cage babbles on “… the barrel is round. Round like my fat cats. Cats loves fish and lobster. Lobsters soaked in butter. Round + cats + lobsters + butter = the number 23. That’s it! 23!” Dang wrong movie. What the heck are you kidding me? How strong is this wine? I bet you anything the cats are funnier and more entertaining than this movie. With Cage’s voice, did you really expect me to follow along? No, sorry I can’t. I’m lost and bored. They should have made Justin Bartha the lead, it would have been more likable and watch able.

The premise of the story is Cage has to search and find clues to a so-called alleged buried treasure. There are some nicely shot action scenes but most are predictable. Do they seriously think we would believe that Cage is a man that loves history? Why and how dare you producers? 2 hours is way too long for any Nicolas Cage movie. 10 minutes is just about right.

Did anyone notice that no one ate any food in this movie? Wait I stand corrected. They had champagne at the dinner and that’s it. We are supposed to believe that for about 24 hours you managed to change your clothes but not eat or go to bathroom. Did you pee in the Liberty Bell, oh come on? But wait did you see Jon Voight in that wig? Hilarious… it looks like a dark-blond squirrel that had a stroke and then the squirrel lost its tail but kicked it just in time to lie stiff and be saved as a wig.

When you watch this movie, follow along if you can, explain to me the internet search. But before you answer, umm how come at the pivotal point this search was missed. I will give you a hint, “Two if by sea”.

What I did like was the DVD and the extras that came with it. There are puzzles and codes that you have to solve and it’s narrated by Justin Bartha. Bartha’s voice is friendly and nice to listen to for me at least it is.

Wait are you telling me that they made a part 2, National Treasure: Book of Secrets, why? I only and emphasize ONLY recommend this movie if you are going to see part 2 or if you want a good laugh. Hold on a second while I order another case of wine.

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