300 Review

By Kimberly Sabat

So you thought 300 would be one of those manly flicks designed to hold the attention of guys everywhere with it’s action, and violence. WRONG! This movie was subconsciously designed to keep us ladies filled with characters for our sexual fantasies. Chicks will wet their panties (if they’re wearing any) every time they catch a glimpse of those perfectly formed Spartans in 300.

With a plot based on fact, and visual effects based on Frank Miller’s graphic novel, the movement, color, and soundtrack will keep you on the edge of your seat no matter what sex you are. Defending his country against the Persian beast, King Leonidas takes 300 of his finest warriors to a tight mountain pass called Thermopylae, to make their last stand. King Leonidas played by Gerard Butler, doesn’t disappoint, and plays his part as masterfully as he did in Tomb Raider 2, especially in bed. An honorable king, intense lover, and fierce warrior, Leonidas does what is necessary despite the law requiring the council to approve before going to war. Like a sly husband would twist the truth when he explains himself to his wife, Leonidas simply states in the face of the politicians that he is going for a stroll with 300 of his body guards. Witty, very witty.

As captivating as Braveheart was when it first came out, 300 keeps the battle frenzy alive with slow motion stabbing, and sped up severing that has become it’s signature effect. Even South Park had a go at 300 with D-YIKES!, and might I say it rivaled some of the most intricate computer generated effects.

You know blood, violence, and battle isn’t going to hold a man’s (or a woman’s) attention for long. Cue naked skin, moonlit sex, debauchery, and amputees. Yes you read me right. Staying true to Frank Miller, the Xerxes’ tent scene is not to be missed, and neither is the toilet when you puke from the images you see. Multiple amputees in open orgies, scarred and misshapen women, as well as men can find a good time in Xerxes’ tent, for a fee of course. The 12 foot tall god-king is a bit of a voyeur. Wouldn’t that be worth it to have the sexual experience of a lifetime with a limbless Persian?

If perversions of that sort aren’t you, or you just choose not to admit it, 300 gives you gracious nipple shots during the Oracle scene in the beginning. Is Leonidas straying from his Queen? Who cares since you get to watch! During a drug induced stupor, and clad only in a transparent garment of sorts, you’ll see a flowing dance from a young woman. When I say flowing I mean it literally. The scene was shot underwater, and is played backwards to get that odd effect. Which effect do I mean? The one where the veins on the girl’s face are popping out so badly that it looks like she should be on the toilet rather than seducing the camera. Obviously the actress/stunt woman, Kelly Craig, needed a breath of air during those scenes, but hey, a nipple is a nipple right?

As if that wasn’t enough, you get a second dose of sex only moments later. So soak it up while you can, since these two scenes are all the skin you’ll see for the rest of the movie, as far as disease-free women still having all their digits go. Queen Gorgo, played by Lena Headey, is a temptress in her own right. Classy, and strong, just as a woman should be. So the producers inserted a moonlit sex scene that totaled all of 30 seconds. Did I see boobs in that shot? Leonidas had some hard, slow motion thrusts, and Gorgo accentuated them with her quick gasps, which I guess got the producer’s attention since that is all you hear above the almost non-existent background sound.

For the rest of the flick, I’m happy to say, it is nothing but eye candy for the girls. Perfect slow motion form, rippling muscles, beading sweat. . . Oh yeah it sounds like a passionate evening to me. I’m glad the best looking boys were the main characters since the Persian army offered nothing in the way of looks, or fighting skills. King Xerxes didn’t disappoint though. Almost as androgynous as Pat from SNL, his physique and demeanor was what I expected from a guy who rides atop other men on a traveling gold couch. Even a popular website that allows members to upload their own movies, has an edited version of the two Kings meeting depicting Queen Xerxes as a disco singer.

It was a kind of cut and dry plot as most war movies are, battles ensue, blah, blah, blah, and you end up with a bunch of dead Spartans, a widowed Queen Gorgo, and a bleeding Queen Xerxes which is normal since women bleed at least once a month. A very good movie I’d say. I have watched it more than once when I feel especially lonely, and need some flesh to gawk at. However if you’re a guy and you want to keep your girlfriends and wives out of your hair? Then make sure they see 300. They’ll spend hours alone just fantasizing about which Spartan to do next. Or maybe they’ll use it as a means to complain about your flabby figure? Better just steer her towards SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE then, its safer.

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