Ghost Rider Review

By Alex Del Negro

“Ghost Rider” serves as a perfect example of why we should not fear the devil. I, of course, already do not fear the devil, but then again I might be alone in this regard considering that not everyone has benefited from an early childhood exorcism program offered out of their local Y.M.C.A. Regardless, if there is one thing to be learned from both my kindergarten correspondence course and this film, it is this:

The devil is a terrible businessman.

To be fair, there was perhaps a time when this was not true. The devil has been around for quite a while, and while I’m certain he is nothing if not a diligent scholar, he has nevertheless had to contend with a constantly evolving and ever-increasingly complex system of international finance and contract law. Fooling lonely old alchemists in fifteenth century Württemberg is one thing, but back country, poorly educated trick motorcyclists in the recent indeterminate past? That, I am afraid, is an entirely different story.

The film traces the legend of the ghost rider, an individual doomed to roam the earth as Satan’s bounty hunter; forever fated to collect those souls who have escaped the devil’s clutches and return them to their place in the fiery pit. Or the frozen lake, if you prefer Dante. In exchange for his services, the rider forfeits his soul. Maybe. Maybe, because it arguably appears as though a ghost rider can pretty much live forever. Unless, that is, his soul is returned to him by the devil and he subsequently ceases to be the rider. In that case, though, it really can’t be said that the soul in question was ever truly forfeit, could it? If it is returned, there was never anything at stake, and if you live forever, what need of you to fear what becomes of your soul after death?

Nicolas Cage stars as Johnny Blaze who, as a teenager, agrees to participate in this ghost rider rental structure our favorite fallen friend has set up in the hopes that he might cure his father of a nasty case of terminal cancer. True to his word, the devil saves the elder Blaze’s life, but, being that he is evil incarnate, can’t seem to resist screwing Johnny’s father over in another deliciously ironic and fatal way. He is the devil, after all. Unfortunately it seems he can’t separate business with pleasure. Or did he think killing his father, driving off his girlfriend and otherwise completely shattering Johnny’s life would make him a happier, healthier, more willing employee?

Johnny is left to mull this question over for a few decades as he rises to the rank of preeminent Guy Who Jumps Helicopters on a Motorcycle, all the while never hearing anything more from Mephistopheles. Meanwhile the descriptively named Blackheart–who shockingly is pure evil–comes to earth and starts turning people into sulphur statues. It seems Blackheart is Satan’s son, and has decided to usurp his father by gaining control of a lost contract of one thousand evil souls in order to bring about a hell on earth. This contract was stolen by an earlier ghost rider, who “out-ran the devil” in order to keep it safe and protect mankind from its horrible contractually stipulated malfeasance–thus marking the first of many poor choices on the part of the devil in manifesting himself on earth in the form of an old man who walks with a cane.

This just brings us back to why the devil is terrible at what he does. It doesn’t take a genius to tell you that if, for instance, you find yourself the prince of darkness and decide to give a person all of your power on earth, you should perhaps make certain that that individual can not just RUN AWAY. It also might prove a fine idea to ensure those most closely and contractually associated with you actually respect you and desire to fulfill your wishes. As it is, Johnny’s life is ruined through the deal, and the second he appears to start picking up the pieces, the devil returns to screw him over once again by forcing him into a fight with Blackheart and his agents. This draws nothing but justified resentment and hatred from Johnny and naturally ensures that he’ll double-cross the devil the first chance he gets. But then, it is clear Satan is far more concerned with portraying himself as an uncompromising jerk than as an effective boss.

Fortunately the old adage “like father, like son” holds true for the supernatural as well. Blackheart and his minions are so inept and aimless that every fight between themselves and the rider is over before it even begins. In order of appearance, each of the three fallen angels leading up to the fight with Blackheart is destroyed by the rider thusly: hit by a chain, almost hit by a chain, tapped on the shoulder.

Tapped, on the SHOULDER.

Really? Two thousand plus years on earth and you die from a polite gesture? Hell must have a fantastic marketing department, as at this point it is a wonder why people fear demons at all.

I could perhaps go on and discuss why the devil felt the need to instill in the rider a power to punish evil-doers–the bread and butter of the underworld–but I feel as though I’d only be adding insult to injury. Stay tuned for the inevitable sequel, which, considering the fine source material presented in the first picture, will undoubtedly consist of two hours of angry correspondence between Johnny and the devil, culminating in about five minutes of frustrated pointing followed by the credits.

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