Next Review

By Lee Arcuri

I’ve performed a series of complex calculations and have determined that Nicolas Cage can only make one good movie per decade. The 80s gave us Raising Arizona and a bunch of other dreck. The 90s gave us an Oscar winning performance in Leaving Los Vegas and then an amazing amount of filmic retardation. Unfortunately for this decade, we’ve already had 2002’s Adaptation, so there’s nowhere to go but down. This statement seems to apply to his hairstyles as well.

I don’t want to sound shallow, though. I should evaluate this film based on its merits, not on the hairstyles involved.

But since this film has no merit, I am saved by a technicality.

So let’s go ahead and start with the hair. I’m not sure I know exactly how to describe this monstrosity. Wait. “Monstrosity.” Yeah, I guess that does it. It’s basically a reverse comb-over to create a mullet. No, for real, take a moment to visualize. It’s like the back of his head was incapable of growing hair for a mullet, so he had to start growing it from the front, and then just comb it backwards all the way down. But on top of this, he’s already got a receding hairline that looks like it’s being groomed for the All-State Thoroughbred Widow’s Peak Championship.

So there you go. I’m not sure what to do with that, other than come up with a name for the hairstyle. “Widow’s Mullet” sounds particularly sinister and awesome. Let’s go with that.

Anyway, Next stars Nicolas Cage as a man named Cris Johnson. Cris, we quickly find out, is different. Cris refuses to spell his name with an H like everyone else. Additionally, Cris is psychic, and can see two minutes into the future. Although capable of seeing into the future, Cris is incapable of seeing into a mirror, and therefore decided at some point to grow a Widow’s Mullet and subject people to it, which he does without remorse.

Cris helpfully narrates the movie, perhaps predicting our confusion. Cris explains that he lives in Vegas and uses his psychic abilities to make a living by gambling. He chooses only to win small amounts, because he “doesn’t want to attract attention.” However, the presence of a Widow’s Mullet on his skull can do nothing BUT attract attention, thus making Cris into what is called in literature an “unreliable narrator.”

Cris doesn’t want to attract unwanted notice by winning huge jackpots left and right, apparently not realizing that you only need to win one huge jackpot to set you up for awhile.

Literature doesn’t have a term for narrators that are just stupid.

To avoid additional scrutiny from the casinos, Cris decides to get a job in one, working as a stage magician. Your guess is as good as mine on this one.

Eventually, a plot comes rolling down the pipeline in the form of a stolen nuclear bomb. Some villain for some reason went to the Eastern European Die Hard Terrorist Training Facility and recruited a bunch of vaguely Eastern European terrorists who speak with vaguely Eastern European accents. I never understood exactly why Eastern Europe has always been a den of terrorism. I’m going to suggest it’s all the sausages.

The FBI thinks the terrorists are trying to blow up Los Angeles, which I guess is bad. I don’t know. I live in LA, and I’m kind of undecided on the whole thing. The FBI is devoting all of its resources to stopping the terrorists, including Special Agent Ferris, played by Julianne Moore. Ferris somehow found Cris and somehow saw his magic act and somehow decided he had to be the real deal. She is certain that he really is psychic and that his gifts will help her track down the bomb.

Cris can only see two minutes into the future, which doesn’t exactly give you a lot of time to run for it when a nuclear bomb is involved, but Agent Ferris is undeterred.

Cris, of course, feels much like I do about Los Angeles and is determined not to help out.

Further complicating the issue is a girl named Liz, played by Jessica Biel. For some reason never explained or really even addressed, Cris can see much further into the future than two minutes when Liz is involved. Cris has been having visions of her for weeks, and is already in love with her. This is obviously because she is hot. He finally meets her, and Liz eventually falls in love with him, too, Widow’s Mullet and all. This is obviously because she is broken and soulless and the mechanism in her brain that governs sexual attraction is twisted and dark and empty.

Cris spends most of the movie running away from the FBI, because no way is he going to help save the lives of ten million people. Just forget it. The terrorists are after him, too, because they know the FBI thinks Cris can help them.

The film occasionally tries to toss in a few points here and there about destiny and anti-authoritarianism, but, I mean, give me a freaking break here. Look at his haircut. Make a point about going bald with grace and humility, how about that? I feel like there was probably a first draft of this script (based on a Philip K. Dick short story) that had complexity and social commentary, but Hollywood got its ham hands on it and declared it needed nuclear bombs and computer generated special effects and Nicolas Cage.

And when in doubt, throw in Jessica Biel (she’ll sleep with anyone!).

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