Killer Pad Review

By Lee Arcuri

There are certain movies that pretty much demand a drinking game be involved. If you’re on the lookout for a new one, this is your flick. Or if you and your friends are hanging out and perhaps you all, for no particular reason that I would ever endorse in print, have the munchies. Or, you know, like maybe you have a severe injury, and your doctor prescribed in a totally legal fashion some powerful pain killers. And you are taking a high dose of said pain killers. Or maybe you drank some cough syrup with codeine in it. Any of these circumstances would be a great time to rent this movie.

There are some lame movies that are just lame. And then there are some that are lame enough to be worth renting. Don’t misunderstand, this movie is bad. I mean, it’s reeeeally bad. But there’s this chemical process involving the fermentation of sugar that creates a flammable, colorless compound known as C2H5OH. You can drink it. And it makes girls prettier and boys more handsome. It’s called alcohol and it was invented for straight-to-video movies like Killer Pad.

Waaaiiit. If he’s here… and you’re there…. whaa?

Killer Pad was directed by Robert Englund, who most people know as Freddy Krueger. Freddy kills indiscriminately, and his directing style is similar. I don’t even know exactly what I mean by that.

The movie involves three strapping young heterosexual boys, one of whom is totally completely gay. These boys move to Los Angeles to start a new exciting life of partying and meeting girls. Even the gay one is excited about meeting chicks, but trust me, he’s totally gay. It’s so obvious. Which I think brings us to the first rule of the Killer Pad Drinking Game. Anything gay, take a drink. You can take your first drink now.

They arrive in LA and the apartment they were going to rent falls through, so they enlist the aid of a creepy Asian realtor drag queen. Yeah, go ahead and start pouring the next shot.

He/She shows them a mansion in the Hollywood Hills that’s ridiculously cheap, and of course they jump at the chance to live in this “killer pad.”

Get it? It’s the name of the movie. Whatever, take a drink.

It turns out the house is so cheap because it’s actually a gateway to Hell. And the Devil (who is a super hot chick) gets the boys to throw a big party so she can kill people. So this killer pad really is literally a killer pad.

Get it? Because you could get killed there. It’s like double entendre. Are we having fun yet?

So basically the movie follows our boys as they prepare for the party, cuddle with each other in their underwear (take a drink), and have zany and sometimes homoerotic misadventures involving the Devil and Her minions.

Do it.

Now in watching this movie, it’s pretty clear that there were a lot of things that were edited out for some reason. I don’t know if they just ran out of money during filming, or if the shots got screwed up, or if there were gags that just didn’t work. But there are things that happen without any explanation whatsoever. This brings us to the second rule of our Killer Pad Drinking Game: Anytime something happens that just makes you go “huh?” take a drink. For example, two of the boys are about to climb into a hot tub full of girls. The gay one takes off his shirt and his belly is inexplicably wrapped in plastic wrap. Huh? No explanation. Just take a drink. Seriously, what the hell is that? I’m not even making that up. Then the straight one strips down to a green bedazzled speedo. That’s another drink, as per the first rule. Isn’t this movie awesome?

There are plenty of other rules you can invent for yourself. Just off the top of my head-Every time you see the midget’s buttocks. Every time there is totally blatant product placement for beer. Every time something unfunny happens and you laugh anyway, because you’re drunk. Every time Joey Lawrence is on screen. Yeah, you heard me. Joey Lawrence. Playing himself. This movie is a gold mine, I’m telling you.

So there you have it. Killer Pad. I’m not exactly recommending it. But I sorta am.

Mostly I’m hoping someone will figure out the plastic wrapped stomach thing and let me in on it.

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