Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker! Review

By Chad Jarrah

The fact that a human being can formulate something this unbelievably stupid boggles the mind. I’m almost afraid to discuss Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker! because the curiosity of how bad this garbage is might spurn others to watch it. This has happened before and will happen again. Case in point: “Two girl’s one cup.” Therefore instead of reviewing it I will simply complain and then give a list of better things to do with your time. (Editor’s note: We do not condone anyone viewing or searching for “two girls one cup”. It is not recommended for anyone. Ever.)

Tirade: This movie sucks! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! I hate Chris Seaver for directing it, producing it, and editing it. I’ve never been more bothered by someone I haven’t met. I hate Mulva and her obsession with Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup. She’s an idiot and the syrup that stained her mouth for the entire 59 horrible minutes bothered and disgusted me to no end. I hate Chris Seaver’s portrayal of the black neighbor Mr. Bonejack. He does this with brown makeup, don king hair, a repeated mentioning of Bill Cosby, and the use of words like ‘Shiznit’ and ‘Mollywhopped.’ I hate the zombies who do nothing, I hate the shaky and shoddy camera work, and I hate ‘The Naked Cowboy’ who is apparently the blockbuster cameo in this movie. I only chose this movie because it looked easy to make fun of and I had to get to a poker game and was on a time restraint. To anyone who has eyes: Never watch this!

If curiosity should tempt you to consider watching this, I’d like to suggest a list of things to do that can be a more productive and entertaining use of your time:

• Watch Pootie Tang. I didn’t like this movie, but Mulva makes Pootie look like an Academy Award winner.

• Do your taxes. You have to anyway and even if you end up paying out, think of it as money you paid to not have to watch Mulva.

• Contract an STD. I don’t mean this literally but if you had to choose between watching this movie and catching syphilis, syphilis is by far the smarter of the two choices. Syphilis goes away and at least you can say you had the same disease that killed Al Capone. There is no upside to watching Mulva, and the stupidity of this movie will stay with you forever.

• Clip your toenails…they’re really getting long, so stop putting it off.

• Watch “Two girls one cup” on a loop for 59 minutes. In comparison, two girls is a cinematic masterpiece. (Ed note: This “film” is extremely X-Rated. Do not allow anyone, even yourself, to view it or search for it, or even read about it.)

Believe me, this movie is not worth your time or the effort it takes for you to view it. This piece of crap reminds me of that movie The Ring, where the characters watch the mysterious video and seven days later they die. The only difference is that seven days after you watch Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker! you still wish you were dead.

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