The Wicker Man (2006) Review

By Jake Dee

Director: Neil LaBute

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Ellen Burstyn

Released: 2006

Nic Cage is one of the few bankable stars left in Hollywood. Demanding a whopping $20 million per picture (sometimes in excess of), his films can still generate quite a box office stir. He fills seats as they say, and as reward for it, studios spit piles of money at him. Not every film of his hits, mind you, but by and large he does pretty well. I can’t figure it out really, the guy has played about three variations of the same role for the last decade plus. Slight variations at that! Ever since he panned Oscar gold in 1996 for his work as a suicidal drunk in Leaving Las Vegas, we’ve seen him play tepid roles in flicks like Face/Off, Con Air, City of Angels, 8MM, Snake Eyes, etc. etc. Then, by the turn of the century, Cage made an interesting departure in off beat films like Adaptation, Matchstick Men, even the Weather Man, to a degree. But alas, the real Nic Cage stood up in 2006, first with Ghost Rider and never more apparent than in Neil LaBute’s remake of The Wicker Man.

Robin Hardy’s 1973 original version of The Wicker Man is a good movie. This remake is not. This is a bad movie. Terribly bad, in fact, and not much else can be said. The charm of the original had to do with the way it melded genre. It exceeded boundary, and was at once a horror film, a whodunit mystery, an artsy musical, a suspenseful thriller, a black comedy; it was just an overall eerie experience. This version bares no resemblance to original, and only a few expository scenes carry over from original to remake, and even they are executed poorly. Neil LaBute (of In the Company of Men fame) should be put in director jail for such a paltry effort! (Apparently, director jail is an actual term where you can’t get work for three years or so following a flop).

Cage plays Edward Malus, a Los Angeles sheriff sent out to find a missing girl named Rowan Woodward (Erika Shaye Gair). His initial search leads him to an isolated farm community called Summersisle. It’s like a kibbutz, only sectarian. Or an Amish community, only weirder (that possible?)! As soon as Malus arrives, we begin to notice how creepy and stand-offish the backwoods townsfolk act, especially toward strangers. When Malus probes the locals for info regarding Rowan, they all mysteriously act like they’ve never seen the girl before. The few who have seen her claim she’s dead. Malus gets the run around, and as he pops more pills (yes, he’s a legitimate popper) he only becomes more and more disillusioned. The pills lead to malicious hallucinations, eerie dreamscapes and nightmares which become extremely predictable. It gets to the point where, if anything out of the ordinary occurs, violent or otherwise distressing; you can bet it’s simply part of Malus’ damaged psyche. The visions are often distinguished by really awful black and white sequences that try too hard to make the viewer feel spooked and uncomfortable, but it never works. I’ve seen scarier cartoons!

The townsfolk of Summersisle appear to be stuck in 1780; porridge and all. In a community predominated by women, Malus gets around the small island via bicycle! There’s something truly satisfying about watching Nic Cage ride a bike. No stand in here, no double (save for the wide shots), just Cage sweating hard, awkwardly struggling to pedal a Schwinn uphill. Classic stuff! So he rides about town, meeting a slew of cryptic women including Dr. Moss (Francis Conroy), Sister Honey (Leelee Sobieski), Sister Rose/Sister Thorn (Molly Parker), all of which offer empty leads and useless clues (aside from atrocious acting!).

Then Malus bumps into a woman he knows, his ex-wife it appears. Her name is Sister Willow (Kate Beahan) and we soon learn she is originally from Summersisle. She moved away, had a child with Malus, and after they broke up, moved back to her initial home. Supposedly, in a parallel plotline, their daughter is said to missing, just like Rowan Woodward (if it sounds senseless, you have a good ear!). This plot line never does get resolved, is it really happening? Is it Malus’ twisted imagination? One thing is certain, anytime Malus is in doubt he just pops another pill.

The movie meanders, at times doing nothing more than exhibiting the oddities of the townsfolk. We see a pair of old twin ladies, a man with one eye and body covered in warts, a little girl with a swarm of bees covering her face, people decked in weird animal suits and masks (true to original), a dead man with a carved up mouth etc. At one point, Malus sprints thru a hive field; a giant breeding ground for bees. I would just chalk it up to the pills, but in some convoluted twist, it turns out the island is in a much lamented honey draught. That’s right, they’re out of honey. Oh dear! Hang with me; I’ll come back to the honey.

Eventually Malus is led to a deified woman in white named Sister Summersisle (Ellen Burstyn). She reveals that the island is indeed a pagan sect where woman are superior, men only needed for procreation. She assures Malus that murder doesn’t occur in their sect; only consensual sacrifice is made to answer their prayers. Ellen Burstyn is one my all time favorite actresses. To see her in such dreck truly pains my heart. Luckily she only appears in the latter half, her entire screen time computes to a total of about 12 minutes.

So Malus pops more pills, hallucinates, sweats some more. He finally catches wind of a large parade like gathering in the town, does his best to infiltrate it by disguising himself in a hilarious bear suit. Even in the suit, Cage can’t hide his acting. Throughout the picture, Nic wears a wooden face, one etched in constipation. His face looks pained, as if he’s trying to pop a hemorrhoid. Maybe it’s the script he’s wiping his backside with here! Either way, Malus is able to commingle with the locals and sneak his way into the quarters where Rowan is being held captive. He finds her, but before they can escape Sister Honey forcefully tries to stop them. Then, in one of the most politically incorrect events ever constructed in a mainstream film, Malus thumps the crap out of Sister Honey with a judo-ninja-drop-kick. He slaps her around a bit! It’s silly!

As Malus and Rowan escape thru a wooded backland, Edward for no good reason stops to answer his cell phone. He gets distracted, and Rowan essentially leads him in a circle back to the parade like gathering. There, Sister Summersisle painted in mime make up, heads an occult tribunal of sorts. We find out that her daughter is Sister Willow, and that by no coincidence, has Malus been summoned to the island (he’s a male blood relation). In specific, he’s been summoned as a sacrificial lamb in order to revive the island’s honey supply. That’s right, their honey supply! The townsfolk drag him off, chanting “the drone must die, the drone must die’” while he counters with quite possibly one of the best lines in the history of cinema; “killing me won’t bring back you’re damn honey!” Just priceless, really!

My Favorite Part: The way the original ending is kept intact. Hard to believe such a down ending can get passed in a major Hollywood motion picture these days.

The Overall Dee-Cision: Don’t Watch It!

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