By Chad Jarrah
This movie had so many things going against it when I first popped the tape into the VCR, that it couldn’t be any good. The first of these problems was exactly that: I had to pop a tape into a VCR. I had not used a VCR in so long, that when I did, it felt old and clumsy. A bad omen for the prospects of this film. There were other reasons why I had to hate it. One, my two year old nephew was scribbling on my notes for a significant part of the movie. Two, watching this movie meant that there was two hours of time where I couldn’t feed my relentless online gambling addiction. Three, I was being forced to watch this film against my will. A few months earlier, I had made my brother-in-law watch a movie and managed to successfully dodge his reprisal thus far. Now he was returning the favor. The guilt trip lasted three days until I eventually gave in.
The movie opens with a shot of a pedophile staring at a little girl behind a playground fence. The man wore a newsboy cap and squeezed a racquetball as he leered at his target. He was kinda creepy, but I took exception to the fact that this weirdo didn’t have a moustache. I thought that it was some condition in the pedophile code of unethics that all self respecting perverts were to grow moustaches. Anyway, this guy is the driving force behind the rest of the movie despite the fact that he’s barely in it.
You see, pervert is still obsessing over his ex-girlfriend. She’s got a new man now and he needs closure. That’s why he turned to child molestation. He’s not a real child molester, mind you, but just uses it as a healthy coping mechanism (which is probably why he didn’t grow the moustache.) The only one who has the foresight to see this is his Mobster Dad. Mobster Dad knows this and figures that if he hires someone to rough up the new boyfriend, his son will forego his present hobby and resume creeping out women his own age.
This sets the stage for the movie’s main character, Jimmy the Saint, played by Andy Garcia. Hired by Mobster Dad, Jimmy gathers a crew of misfits, including a leper and a poop eater, to do the job. God knows why a very capable Andy Garcia needs four oddballs to help him rough up some pompous boyfriend, but needless to say, the job goes awry, and both the ex-girlfriend and current boyfriend get killed, and Mobster Dad becomes very upset.
The rest of the movie consists of ‘The Saint’ trying to help his friends escape their inevitable deaths at the hands of Mobster Dad’s hired assassin. Despite my initial misgivings of this movie, the dusty VHS tape was an easy watch studded with talented actors the likes of Christopher Walken, Steve Buscemi and Christopher Lloyd. Overall, a good movie, but I still feel a few observations are in order.
This movie is filled with strange tough guy lingo which requires the viewer to pay careful attention to avoid missing important dialogue. I found myself rewinding the old tape repeatedly to catch something I missed, more disgruntled with the slow rewinding process rather than my lack of understanding of the unique vernacular. Rewinding the tape sounded like revving the engine of an ‘84 Dodge Aires in the dead of winter (my old car — I’ve done this and it sounds like death).
On a positive note, the performance of Treat Williams, who plays Critical Bill, the crazy poop eater, was worth watching in its own right. During the scene where the boyfriend is supposed to be roughed up, Bill controls his aggression three times before understandably succumbing to his insanity and affinity to homicide. I like to consider myself sane and I think I would’ve had trouble not killing that dick of a boyfriend, so I think his character deserves some credit. He also is a very polite psycho. Yeah, he pees in a milk container as he discusses his plans with a disgusted Andy Garcia, but he offers to fix him some beef stew while he’s doing it. I thought that was a very nice gesture for a crazy person. I also respect the fact that he stood his ground against the crafty assassin, eventually killing the hitman just after delivering the memorable line, “I am Godzilla and you are Japan!”
I am man enough to admit when I am wrong, and I was wrong about this movie. I recommend it for the good storyline and likeable characters. I recommend it for Critical Bill’s fun insanity. But I also recommend that anyone who watches it, or any movie for that matter, makes sure to do so in style. Don’t rough it. Throw away your VHS tapes and rent the DVD.
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