Jake opts for THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2 over doing something else, regrets it.

By Jake Dee

Director: Martin Weisz
Starring: Jessica Stroup, Michael McMillian
Released: 2007

Well well, evidently Hollywood not only excretes mounds of movie remakes, but sequels to remakes are becoming more and more fashionable. Ocean’s 11 gave way to Ocean’s 12 three years later, and with failure nowhere in sight; it didn’t take long to slate the production of Ocean’s 13 to be released in another three years. Often however, this trend is most visible in the horror realm, where original films, sometimes foreign, get dug up, rehashed and churned out onto the market in wide release. The result is usually watered down, uninspired, lacking in many areas, even PG-13. We’ve seen it with Ju-On, The Ring, whatever. Let’s take a look at an equally vapid R-Rated horror remake sequel; The Hills Have Eyes II.

The movie starts with a disclaimer, some non-sense about a place called Sector 16; a top secret military training facility in the New Mexican desert. Then in the first five minutes of screen time, we see three soldiers get shredded to death; one has his entrails eaten. But eaten by what? Apparently, a mutant family of cannibals who dwell in the mines beneath the mountains love to feast on innocent passers by, even if armed with assault rifles and other army fatigues. The army base has been ravaged; it’s up to future soldiers to end such an evil.

Cut to a fresh group of trainees; where the framing and set up is obvious that it doesn’t take but thirty seconds to realize who the two protagonists are. One is named David Napoli (Michael McMillian) and the other Amber Johnson (Jessica Stroup). We meet Sgt. Millstone (Flex Alexander), a tough talking, horrible acting superior who likes to give “Napoleon” as he calls him, a bad time; even consigning him to commode duty. As he guards the porta-potty, Napoli discovers something moving inside the toilet. He runs out screaming, warning Amber that “there’s a hand in the shi*er,” and then he make the poor girl go fish it out. And that’s really the high point here folks!

The power of horny is simply astounding. Like how you can give your boyfriend a pass for not showering to the point of a rotting head wound because your poor baby’s been “real stressed about the Johnson report,” or when you convince yourself you’ve been into Viggo the Carpathian ever since you hit puberty.

So that’s what we have, a group of young army recruits with perfect skin and perfect teeth, out to end the sick and twisted dealings of a blood hungry mutant race. Only there at a disadvantage, they’re on away turf, the mutants are comfortable in their habitat. At one point a deformed creature gets shot by a soldier, he just sort of grunts, does a somersault, and slithers his way back into a hole in the mountain. Minutes later, the soldier who fired, gets sucked into said hole, he becomes bloodied, mutilated.

Sgt. Millstone gets accidentally blasted and killed by one of his own men, which actually does the flick a favor by removing the worst actor by the half way point. The mutants are smarter than they appear (or don’t appear), running foils and booby traps to offset military arsenal. We witness a random colonel survive an attack, go crazy and shoot himself dead, but not before he advises the others to escape thru the mines beneath base, thru the lions den so to speak. So they do, and before long a soldier named Missy (Daniella Alonso) is captured and taken to a dark lair where male mutants squabble over her body.

David and Amber run into an affable mutant, one who helps the two hide from the rest of the evil dwellers. The two are led thru a maze of excoriated limbs, hacked off body parts and collected trinkets from strangers over the years. As they wade thru the mines, they hear Missy screaming, they decide to rescue their comrade before getting the f*** out of dodge. But they don’t know how bad Missy has it. She’s become a breeding host, raped by the “dad” of the mutant gang. I’m not sure that after being raped and frothed on by the leader of a dirty, cannibalistic, underground, inbred mutant clan that she’d even want to be rescued, much less go on living. These scenes are not scary, they’re not disturbing…they’re down right disgusting. I’ve seen more tasteful porn!

In the opening credits, I couldn’t help but notice Michael Bay’s name listed as a producer. Apparently nothing is sacred to this clown, he’s not only remade this from Craven’s 1977 version, but he also helmed the 2003 Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, and I just got word that he is remaking Polanski’s 1968 cult film Rosemary’s Baby. What a f***ing travesty! This guy is a major blight on the industry, no bones about it. It should also be noted that Wes Craven actually wrote the script for this remake, with his son Jonathan. It’s clear even the most legendary horror proponents have a selling price. Hope it was worth it Wes!

Favorite Part: None that stick out.

The Overall Dee-cision: Don’t Watch it!

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