By Jake Dee
It had been awhile since I last watched Robert Rodriguez’s camping trip to the cheese factory; his unabashed b-movie homage The Faculty, released in 1998. It’s a pretty bad but watchable flick about a deadly alien specie overtaking a Texas high school. Zeke (Hartnett), a smart but two-time senior spearheads a counterattack with a band of misfits who fell their foreign foes by jacking them with doses of home made meth. Featured in the flick though, is a roster of would be stars and entertainment personalities, albeit some more luminescent than others. Now that we’re ten years removed; let’s take a look back shall we?!?
Jordana Brewster - Yeah, I got not too much on this one except that Jordana Brewster’s character might be my favorite. I don’t know, might have something to do with super fine Panamanian girls in glasses. Just a hunch.
Clea DuVall - Clea deviates none, playing her same old gothic image who in a distracting twist, harbors secret feelings for a stud jock (Hatosy) who is suffering a his own sudden bout of identity crisis. The kicker, it’s clear as day that both of them harbor raging same sex tendencies. You’re fooling no one Mr. Rodriguez!
Laura Harris - Ever heard of this one? Me not so much either; a real wonder why she’s been demoted to Lifetime and other paltry TV fare. At the age of 32 no less!
Josh Hartnett - In I believe his first starring gig, Hartnett will look back with regret regarding a bedraggled hair cut that resembles nothing short of a cross between Tweedy bird’s ass and a mid-90s Ricki Lake wave-cut. Sad stuff, really.
Shawn Hatosy - Do you know who Shawn Hatosy is? Didn’t think so. I’ll move on!
Salma Hayek - Long time Rodriguez war horse, Salma plays a sexy nurse who adds little more than eye candy and aural (no, not that one) enticement with her thick Mexican accent. Shoot, my high school nurse looked like John Goodman - so a nice escapist departure for me personally.
Famke Jansenn - Before she was playing G-rated hard to get with Wolverine in the X-Men pictures, Famke appeared in this piece and was given less lines than a begging and broke a** cokehead. Only with much, much better lips!
Piper Laurie - A shame to see such a capable screen veteran relegated to expository one liners and cheap, unsubstantial casting. Here Laurie plays an alien teacher trying to convert innocent students, but really, I didn’t even know it was her until the credits. That’s how unnoticeable the mother of Carrie is in this pile.
Danny Masterson - Just around the same time he landed his That 70s’ Show gig, Masterson was still proudly kicking the awkward Ronald McDonald fro-piece, appearing as a glorified extra of a high school student roaming halls. A cameo at best here, but that sleazed out look hasn’t evolved much in a decade.
Christopher McDonald - Probably best known for playing Shooter McGavin in Happy Gilmore), here Chris has a throw away role as a semi-concerned father to Elijah’s character, one that really could have been played by anyone. His well trimmed, metro-sexual beard work though rivals that of another on our reunion list.
Robert Patrick - Just about six years removed from playing the mercurial T-1000 in T-2: Judgment Day; Robert Patrick looks like a poster boy for plastic surgery - a slick and stolid slope washed over his face. I think of all the actors in the flick, he takes the top ‘wooden acting’ award. Believe it or not, this guy’s still working.
Usher Raymond - Prior to confessing his desire to “make love in the club” and making girlies faint with creepy hip gyration, Usher actually appeared in a few low grade pictures. Here he looks no older than 14, 15; a waxy baby face sheen and dirty pencil ‘stache smeared over his upper-lip. Not too impressive indeed. Puberty’s a b*tch!
Jon Stewart - Just before we was helming his own show and espousing political bon mots, Stewy cooked up a ham-bone performance as a biology teacher fraught with just a filthy goatee that bohemian coffee shop poets and 17th century painters would find offensive. He spits line readings like a Scooby-Doo episode, but really it’s the beard that does all the work! No wonder he quit the film biz.
Elijah Wood - Yep, a long way from rocking frilly smocks and slaying dragons as a furry little hill dweller. Elijah has always had a youthful appearance, perhaps because he’s about 4′6”, but here he plays a high schooler that doesn’t look a day over 11. It’s like he literally came right off the set of Radio Flyer or The Good Son, filmed some five years prior.
Yeah, there’s not much of a point to this post, just a few unsettling observations surrounding some of the major (and minor) players in the entertainment scene. It’s a wonder how some remain to get work, and on the other hand - it’s quite clear why some of these cats haven’t been offered a substantial role since. Either way, if you can wade your way through the vat of nacho cheese, The Faculty is a pretty fun star-gaze if nothing else.
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