1408

By John Jones

Synopsis: Mike Enslin is a man who wants to prove there is nothing beyond here and now. No afterlife… No God… No second chances… Or are there?

I found the scariest thing about this big screen adaption of Stephen King’s short horror story is not the fact that the title almost adds up to the number 23, but rather just how bad John Cusack looks considering that he is about the same age as I am. (Whatever happened to that goofy, but not bad looking, underachiever who chased a bevy of hot-looking cheerleaders across a plethora of hormone-fueled teen comedies during the ‘80’s?) Looking decidedly puffy and hung-over (maybe it’s the FX?) throughout the entire 104mins, Cusack plays Mike Enslin a second rate horror novelist who earns his living by writing about supposedly haunted hotels rooms, mansions and graveyards. Completely jaded about his work this “paranormal researcher” sees himself as nothing more than some morose travel agent whose job it is is to increase business for every little rundown B and B across the country that suddenly discovers that it is “haunted” and decides to send him an invitation to “stay the night if you dare.” Of course his efforts to discover anything even slightly out of the normal are zip until he receives a mysterious invitation to stay in room 1408 of New York’s infamous Dolphin hotel which is run by the ever cool-looking Samuel L “Maybe it is True…Black Don’t Crack” Jackson.

“Somebody help, I’m stuck in a negative review! It’s terrible! This burnt umber color scheme underwhelms my shirt and… are you listening to the Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves soundtrack?”

Now of course old Samuel L spends the next few scenes imploring our unenthusiastic but stoic hero not to stay while trying his very best not to LOL as he delivers lines like “No one lasts more than an hour” (which is about the time you look at your watch and pray that it is not a reference to real time) but eventually Cusack gets his own way and gets the key to the scene of 56 horrific and unexplained murders and suicides…room 1408. (Maybe the guests saw this film on the in-house movies?) So we’re set. Director Mikael Håfström has spoon fed us the formulas of the jaded non-believer of things that go-bump-in-the-night (who nevertheless makes his living about writing about same, and doesn’t mind telling his fans his views) plus added spooky hotel room and kooky hotel manager. (Or kooky hotel room and spooky manager.) He then adds (via flashbacks) the reason for our protagonist’s angst. Grief-stricken ex-wife, who Enslin abandoned when “going for cigarettes” (I’m not kidding. I wonder if “The Boss” wants a writing credit?) and the wise-beyond-her-years dying daughter (”Everybody dies, Daddy.”) who later morphs into the obligatory horror film creepy-little-kid spook.

What follows over the next hour is a steady procession of unimaginative and plagiarized scenarios from everything from The Amityville Horror to Groundhog Day to The Sixth Sense. Cusack occupies ninety percent of the scenes talking to inanimate object while Samuel L, in his best performance since Snakes on a Plane (car payment must’ve been running late that month, too), pops up every now and then to spout some cryptic question that makes you wonder if you really are watching an old episode of Fantasy Island.

No one lasts more than an hour. How true.

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