Andrea relives the 80s with… RED DAWN

By Andrea Baylis

Patrick Swayze is many things: philosophical bouncer and friend, dance instructor and passionate lover, surfer and arranger of bank heists, Hillbilly cop living in the big city, wise drag queen, and of course a proud and defiant WOLVERINE!

Oh yes my friends, we’re talking the Cold War classic from 1984, Red Dawn. If you are anyone who grew up in the 80’s, you’ve seen this movie at least once. Even if only viewed on TBS on a Saturday afternoon, the message of this movie is clear: 1) Get off my lawn! 2) Those Commie rat-bastards deserve to die. Playing on the fears of middle-America during the height of the ‘Russia bad/ America good’ Cold War, Red Dawn depicts a quiet little mountain town overrun by an influx of Cuban and Soviet troops.

I thought I had a bunch of cold wars around my mouth but they turned out to be herpes.

The stars and heroes of this movie are teen brothers Jed and Matt (played by Patrick Swayze and Charlie Sheen). They are a close pair who quickly learn their sleepy little mountain town has been taken over and they just ain’t going down like that. Within the first ten minutes of the movie, a swarthy band of paratroopers arrive on school grounds. In no time at all we have blood and carnage. People die and the bullets go a’flyin’. It’s pretty sweet. Ack! The horror! Fleeing in their super-awesome man truck, Jed and Matt and a few others pile in while narrowly escaping with their lives. The drama! The teens gather requisite supplies and head for the mountains because, after all, they can survive up there. They are skilled marksmen and hunters; after all, they were raised to be real men. No tears or sissy crap in this movie–no way, no how.

The remaining townspeople are corralled into a modern-day internment camp and slowly fed the Communist agenda. Integration! Acceptance! Proud Poppa, played by the lovable and sometimes grizzled Harry Dean Stanton, ain’t swallowing that filthy load for nobody. He proves resistant to propaganda and, in the end, chokes on a mouthful of Commie ammo anyway.

But back to the story…through plot progression, the audience learns that bad guys are looking for Jed & Matt and they’ll stop at nothing to find them. It’s US versus THEM–or else. To keep a semblance of normalcy, our heroes make occasional stops to rural ranches in hopes of getting the latest ‘word’ on how the Comrades are taking over America. During one of these visits, an older rancher says he has some ‘special cargo’ for Jed & Matt. Said cargo comes in the form of Dirty Dancing Jennifer Grey and Some Kind of Wonderful Lea Thompson. Yep, the granddaughters of the old farmer join the group and so begins the real carnage.^1. In what could be thought of as a surprise twist considering other roles as masturbation fodder for young boys, Grey & Thompson actually end up kicking some ass. They can blow sh*t up, too.

“Those Russians down there are probably like the rest of their kind and don’t know anything about supporting characters in contemporary family entertainment, so you turn into Emma Watson and I’ll look like the older brother from Honey I Shrunk the Kids and we’re gonna be stealthy as f*ck.”

In the end though, with the odds stacked against them, the kids didn’t have much of a chance. And, as expected, one can surmise their fates were sealed when those Commie rat-bastards decided to mess with the wrong bunch of kids.

Like so many movies like it from the 80s (Commando comes to mind), this flick has a plethora of awesomely bad dialogue. When writing this review I was drawing a blank on a bank of quotable passages so thanks to IMDB, I am passing some along to you. As you will see, context is irrelevant as the text is stand alone material:

Jed Eckert: [throws him down, growling with rage] AAAAGGHHH! You SON OF A BITCH!

Matt Eckert: We still got plenty of meat left.

Toni: [her dying words, to Jed] Go on ahead. I’m just gonna stay here and listen to the wind a while, okay?

Danny: They were people!
Robert: Yeah, well, so was my dad.

Bottom line… if you are looking for a deeper meaning, don’t watch this. If you are on a date, don’t watch this. If you are hoping to see a shirtless McDreamy from Grey’s Anatomy, don’t watch this. If you want a feel-good family flick, don’t watch this. If you are into heavy artillery, go rent this now. If you drink the blood of animals, go rent this now. If you think Russian Commies are the scourge of the earth, go rent this now. If you want to high-five your buddies over a case of beer, go rent this now. If you just want to see sh*t explode, go rent this now.

^1.DVD extra! (Actually, one of the bonus features of my DVD is a ‘Carnage Counter.’ Yes, that’s right. If you’d like to make a tally of dead Commies, rockets shot, or deer killed, turn this feature on immediately.)

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