Catacombs (2007) Review

By Jake Dee

Director: Tomm Coker & David Elliot
Starring: Shannyn Sossamon, Alecia Moore
Released: 2007

What is it with pop recording artists going Hollywood? They all can’t be thespians at heart, can they? Because that would be a hell of a way to get into the business of your dreams, devoting years of your life for success in another arena of show biz as a means of some potential pay off down the road. Maybe it’s the toil of agents, ones with Ritchie Rich eyes who know how to strike while the iron’s hot; throwing scripts at their clients with nothing more than a major selling point in mind. Believe me, I’m aware of legit crossover talent like Queen Latifah or Dwight Yoakam, but come on, the last few years we’ve seen the likes of 50 Cent, Jessica Simpson types pollute film stock in some pathetic attempt to branch out and redefine themselves. Catacombs is no different! It stars Alecia “Pink” Moore in a role that can only be summed up as forgettable, at best.

Pink plays Caroline; a hip, tough talking American who has been living in Paris for some time. She smokes, sports piercings, likes to party, whatever. When her sister Victoria (Shannyn Sossamon), a diametric opposite, arrives from America for the first time, Caroline is intent on showing her sister the time of her life. Vicky is troubled; her ultra shy personality makes her anxious, she’s launched off a Heath Ledger combo of prescription drugs. Naturally, the best thing to do would be to go to a party, right? Only this isn’t your typical house party, more of an underground rave-like rocker taking place in a labyrinthine, 200 mile stretch of limestone beneath Paris. It’s essentially a web of tunnels where the remains of 7 million people lay buried from centuries ago.

So we’re at the party, a lame 90s drug and pacifier crowd dancing the night away amid some really poor art and set decoration. It’s subterranean so everyone rocks flashlights, and when you mix that with the jittery strobe work, all you get visually is a jumbled mess you just want to look away from. Caroline and her sister (who seem as close as 1st day college roommates) break off from the main party ground with a few locals; they all try to spook Vicky with some tired horror stories about monsters haunting the catacombs. Then they cram some absinthe down her throat! You mix that with her chemical dependency issues, it does not take long to figure out where the movie is headed. Is this all really happening; is it a product of Vicky’s warped mental state? Blahhhhhh. If you can’t figure out the “twist” of the movie by the 12 minute mark, then I’m sorry, but you either can’t speak yet, or you’ve seen a combined total of 8 movies your entire life.

Moments later, Vicky and Caroline find themselves lost in the dark, stumbling into one dead end after another. Of course their last light source goes out and the two become separated. As soon as Caroline sparks a flare-butt she finds on the ground, she immediately has her throat slashed; she falls to the ground bleeding, and then is dragged off into the darkness by some unidentifiable figure. Vicky, hammered out of her head, runs around in circles, losing herself in the dark maze of tunnels. Along the way, she runs into a swarm of bats, so she screams a bit. Then, not to be out done, she crawls thru a host of rats, she screams some more! What does that tell you when rats and bats are your major fright source?!?

At one point, Vicky runs into another stranded, a Frenchman named Henry (Emil Hostina). They band together, as he has a map of the tunnels, she has the lone flashlight. They would seem to need each other, yeah? Well, after sharing some wine around a fire, Henry breaks his leg by dropping thru a pitfall, and for no apparent reason Vicky can ditch him fast enough. She runs around in the dark some more, hysterical, seeing malevolent visions and what not. We get first person POV shots that are dark, shaky and resemble a game of Quake instead of well crafted motion picture. Shoot, I felt like Link in a cave searching for Zelda with all the jarring flare light and low tech flash beams. It’s a F***ing mess!

There’s no secret why this flick went straight to DVD; it’s just an awful movie. The material here is so ineffective; I kept thinking it was one of those April Fool’s Day type 90 minute charades where the protagonist, like the audience, is being duped the entire time. And it was! I felt cheated! Seriously, I felt like Sienna Miller when she discovered good ‘ole Jude was diddling the nanny. Yeah, that’s exactly how I felt. You add that sentiment with the below amateur lighting, the muted sound work and the kinetic Blair Witch camera motion, the cumulative effect might be grounds enough for the directors’ divorce from the entire film industry. Poor effort sirs!

Favorite Part: I paid zero to watch this pile!

The Overall Dee-Cision: Don’t Watch It!

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