Chad downs Six Pack with Kenny Rogers

          By Chad Jarrah

Six Pack is the story of Brewster Baker (played by Kenny Rogers) a NASCAR driver whose life is unexpectedly changed by his run-in with six orphans. When my brother-in-law told me about this movie my mouth watered at all the possibilities. Kenny Rogers? NASCAR? Orphans? I could make fun of this movie for days. I had to watch Six Pack. Soon enough the movie was playing and my sarcastic pen was poised ready to attack. Those orphans didn’t know what was going to hit them.

Manslaughterer Kenny Rogers working out near a small blond child.

Six Pack opens with Brewster driving into a small Texas town with his trailer and racecar in tow. He stops to fill up on gas at an old and dusty gas station, and to ‘shake the dew off his lily’ (I learned this colorful phrase from one of the orphans later in the film. Apparently it means shake the piss off your wiener. Not bad.). Brewster uses the bathroom and the audience is rewarded for having watched this much of the movie by a little physical comedy from Kenny Rogers himself. ‘The Gambler’ gets stuck in the bathroom, rips the doorknob off, and then climbs out of the window, breaking part of the roof and falling onto a conveniently placed pile of tires. Again, not bad. It actually looked pretty real and I chuckled in spite of myself. I had to focus:  STOP WATCHING THE MOVIE AND START MAKING FUN OF IT!!!

Finally out of the bathroom, Brewster comes to find that his racecar has been stripped of its parts. Kenny Rogers gets pissed and tails the thieves who try to make a getaway in their huge dairy van. What follows is a two minute car chase scene between two bulky trucks on fast forward with twangy banjo music playing in the background. Eventually the chase ends as the dairy van runs off the road into a river. First lesson for the day:  Don’t ƒυçk with Kenny Rogers.

After checking the wreckage, Brewster comes to find that the thieves are six mechanically inclined orphans who strip cars in exchange for meager wages from the town’s crooked sheriff. With their dairy van temporarily out of action, Brewster reluctantly agrees to take the kids with him to his next race to help them get away from the sheriff. At his next race he learns that the orphans can not only strip cars, but repair them efficiently. Although he tries numerous times to get rid of the aptly named ‘Six Pack’, they eventually enter into a symbiotic relationship:  The orphans fix Brewster’s car and help him win races and Brewster pretends to like the kids, giving them a false sense of hope that maybe he’ll adopt them.

And so Brewster goes from town to town, winning races and kicking ass. It should be noted here that in each town Kenny Rogers enters he inevitably has some hot country waitress chick jump all over him and try to get him to take her home. By the fourth waitress it dawned on me that Kenny Rogers was a country pimp. That’s when I learned my second lesson of the day:  Never date a woman from the south. She will leave you at the drop of a hat at the mere mention of Kenny Rogers’ name. Apparently, southern women find him irresistible. 

As Rogers continues to win his races, he begins gaining notoriety among the NASCAR circuit and is asked to become the Ford driver for the biggest race of the year, the Atlanta 500. Brewster agrees and enters the race alongside the best racers in the country. His dreams are being fulfilled and as he takes the lead, he realizes at his last pit check that he is one lap away from winning the prestigious race. He also realizes that his ‘Six Pack’ has disappeared. As his pit crew finishes up the adjustments on his car he learns that the crooked sheriff has taken the orphans into custody and is driving away with them at that moment. ‘What? Go Kenny, win the race! This is the chance you’ve been waiting for!’ I thought. ‘No, wait, get the kids. You love them now. What are you gonna do?’ I couldn’t believe how interested I had become in this movie. Lesson three for the day:  Be you man or women, no one can resist the charm of Kenny Rogers.

The soft-hearted Brewster makes the decision to go after the kids, forgoing his chance at first place. The movie ends with Brewster taming his wild ways, adopting the ‘Six Pack’ and marrying the main philly from his stable of hoes. Despite the fact that I went into Six Pack with claws bared, I came out with a reluctant respect for the movie. I am not ashamed to admit that I liked it (well maybe a little), and recommend it to all.

Here are a few of the bonuses you’ll get for watching Six Pack:

• A young Diane Lane plays 16 year old Breezy, the oldest of the orphans. Despite my fear of being caught on To Catch a Predator due to my lustful thoughts about the underage actress, I couldn’t help my attraction to her. She was hot.

• A weird stop motion scene between Kenny Rogers and an affectionate dog in the back of a pickup truck. Watching it made me feel dirty and uncomfortable, but I couldn’t turn my eyes away.

• The antagonist of this film is the same actor who played the inanimate Bernie, from Weekend at Bernie’s. I am still undecided as to which performance moved me more.

• Kenny Rogers’ main squeeze in the film is played by the hot chick from the science fiction Buck Rogers TV series, who is also the hot chick from Silver Spoons. She is super cool.

• Chuck Woolery makes an appearance as a sportscaster. Chuck Woolery is always worth mentioning. 

© LameMovies.net