Chad pins a corsage of shame on Prom Night

By Chad Jarrah

“Oh my God, I couldn’t believe that happened at the end!”
- Chad Jarrah

“The killer was so creepy; that guy freaked me out through the whole movie.”
- Chad Jarrah

“A rip roaring thriller! You’ll jump out of your seat so much, you’ll wish the theater had seat belts!”
- Chad Jarrah

These are all quotes I might have made had I the pleasure of seeing a different movie. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t. My girlfriend and I chose to see this movie. So in exchange for our nine dollar tickets we received predictable plot lines and characters portrayed by crappy actors, all rolled up into one excruciatingly boring cinematic experience: the epitome of a Lame Movie.

“Mo-ooom!! Did you move my Scared Annoying Bitch?!”
“No I didn’t touch your Scared Annoying Bitch. Your room’s such a f**king sty, is it under your bed?”

The movie starts off with a great back story. It gets you hooked in early and makes you really care about the main characters. No, wait, I forgot again. I saw Prom Night; a movie made by a team of talentless robots who are designed solely to trick a few million dollars out of the movie going masses rather than entertain them. In this movie no back story was given. Apparently, Richard Fenton, the psychotic teacher, is obsessed with one of his students, Donna Keppel, and kills her family to have her. Why is he obsessed with her? Who cares, I guess. No flashbacks, no creepy interaction between the two over dissected frogs in science class, and absolutely no build-up. He just kills her family and we move on.

Now onto the prom. We fast forward to a couple of years later where Donna has pieced together her life. It’s prom season and she is excited. Her boring aunt and uncle take boring pictures as her boring date gives her a boring corsage, and her boring friends meet up in their boring limo to go to the boring hotel. This is where the boring psycho teacher escapes and begins his boring killing spree. An escape! A killing spree! That’s not boring — that’s interesting. Nope. Somehow the fun is squeezed out of both of these seemingly exciting events. The audience is merely told about the escape. We see nothing. And this guy Fenton, is one of the least charismatic villains I have ever seen. He doesn’t wear a weird mask, or have a scary voice. He doesn’t have any gimmicks, like killing his victims with test tubes and Bunsen burners. He wears a baseball cap. That’s it. He actually looks better after he escapes from prison then before he went in. No tattoos, no crazy scars; just a healthy looking chap out for a good kill.

Prom Night nogoodnik Johnathan Schaech played Harry Houdini in a TV movie once so maybe he plans on escaping our memories of him starring in this or something.

So this Fenton guy begins killing people. He starts off with a maid. This makes sense because he needs the universal staff key card so he can get into Donna’s hotel room. After this, Fenton becomes lazy and just hangs out in the room taking out her friends as they come in. Ho hum. Oh, well, at least Donna will give him a run for his money. After all, every horror flick heroine kicks ass at some point in the movie, right? Again, nope. She has nightmares about him, falls a couple times, and just kinda gives up. Sigh.

Well if Donna doesn’t fight back, who does? The inept cops kinda do. Inept cops have a potential to be funny, but in Prom Night they are just aggravating. They find out pretty quickly that Fenton has escaped. They also figure correctly that he will most likely track down the object of his obsession at the prom. After this they just quit. They bumble around as the psycho teacher boringly kills at will and have way too much dialogue with the front desk clerk and way too little with Donna. At one point the main cop is sitting on a bed in the hotel trying to figure things out. A red liquid drips down from the ceiling onto the bedspread next to him and he exclaims, ‘What is this?!’ I couldn’t believe it. Was he serious? If you’re in the middle of a murder scene and you stumble upon something red and liquid, the odds are pretty good it’s blood. You know, the stuff you’re supposed to keep from pouring out of people at a prom?

Overall this movie frustrated, and if you haven’t figured out by now, bored me. The villain wasn’t fun and it made no sense as to why he wanted to kill someone he supposedly was obsessed with. The heroine sucked, the cops were dumb. Everything was wrong. But by far the most frustrating part of the movie happened after it had finished. As my girlfriend and I walked out shaking our heads in unison, I heard the couple behind me exclaim, ‘I thought it was pretty good.’ I was speechless. I guess there will always be enough stupid people around to enjoy crappy movies. Carry on talentless movie making robots; the masses have plenty of money to throw at you.

This movie is infinite times less thrilling than looking at this still from Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night 2 (sequel to its namesake) for 88 minutes, just like anything else you can look at or dream up or do or feel ever.

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