Dragon Wars Review (A.K.A. D-War)

By Alex Del Negro

“Dragon Wars” dares to ask a very important question which I believe we, as a modern industrial society, tend to take for granted these days, and that is; “In a fight between the United States Armed Forces and collapsible-magic-sword-wielding, Velociraptor-mounted Death Knights, who would win?”

…I would have followed that last sentence up with a joke or sarcastic remark of some sort, but you’ll understand if I’m frankly at a loss as to how anything I might say or do could hope to top that entirely accurate, serious description of the film in question. So instead, please ponder that delightful image for a bit more while I struggle to determine how best to approach this movie.

Right then.

It’s a weak writer who begins their work with a quote, and it’s a weak screenwriter who begins their film with a flashback. The only purpose a flashback at the start of a film can serve is the desire on the part of the filmmaker to set up an easily understandable character and problem, without actually requiring them to put in the time necessary to establish a context for said character and problem throughout the rest of their work. In a sense, such beginnings are simply lazy, and they are predicated on the idea that the audience won’t notice because they will be too busy paying attention to the drama/comedy/onscreen explosions.

In the case of “Dragon Wars,” the first twenty minutes of the film are essentially dedicated to the relation of a Korean myth involving two warring serpents; one good, one evil, and their attempts to possess a woman born with the power of the heavens inside her. The myth is used as a foundation for the film and tries to get the entire story, motivation and character development out of the way so that, after visiting the ancient battlegrounds of Korea, the audience isn’t left wondering what is going on and why exactly certain individuals are riding Velociraptors through modern downtown Los Angeles. In the process, we are treated to a schizophrenic combination of the most notable blockbusters in the past twenty years, with Chinese kung-fu romance films giving way to sci-fi monster movies and epic CGI battles on the plains of Mordor using dinosaurs in a way reminiscent of the Gungan battle in “Star Wars: Episode I.” And this is just the first twenty minutes.

Like I said, there’s really nothing I can do in regards to this film that won’t pale in comparison to the actual experience, as there is absolutely nothing funnier and more ridiculous than the plot of the movie itself. “Dragon Wars,” in a sense then, holds the unique distinction of being a parody in and of itself, and as such is nigh untouchable by the aspiring sarcastic reviewer. The film is like a boxer who, as soon as the bell rings for the fight to begin, starts to punch himself repeatedly in the face–a state of mind so frightening and foreign to me that I dare not delve any deeper into the horrifying depths for fear that I be consumed whole by its glistening maw. Chances are, if you’re reading this review, you’re a person who appreciates terrible films, and there is absolutely no further justification I can hope to give you to convince you to go out and see this movie than what little about the work I’ve already described.

However, if, for whatever purpose, you are looking for a more substantial analysis into the exact cause behind the phenomenon that is “Dragon Wars,” I can only offer you the half-hearted explanation that, despite the film’s Hollywood appearance and use of English-speaking actors, the work is in all actuality Korean. It was written and directed by a man whose primary vision was to see a Korean work appeal to international audiences through a wide theatrical release. This might explain then why the film feels essentially like a poorly made amalgamation of every big budget Hollywood action movie in history. Why the main character is somehow imbued with the remarkable ability–no doubt as a result of his status as a low-level reporter–to go, say and do whatever he wants, anywhere, at any time. Or why, when a gigantic snake is in the process of climbing to the top of the tallest skyscraper in L.A., the police officer nearby refers to the scene into his radio as a it being a “code three” –as if such a thing is so common that we have developed a code for its occurrence. In essence, it is a film made from the perspective of an outsider looking in, whose only way of understanding our culture, government and media is in the context of how we present ourselves to the rest of the world by way of Hollywood. And really, can we blame this movie for that? If I didn’t already know any better, I’d swear too that the normal reaction of our government officials after a meeting on these matters was to grab a shotgun and get ready to rock and roll.

As it is sometimes said, “plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery. “Dragon Wars” then, despite being a terrible film, could also nevertheless still be seen as something of a critique on our modern culture, and exactly how our particular form of entertainment and media is received when it is exported around the world. As such, the film may very well be considered a valuable and important commentary on our own viewing habits, no matter how much we dare not admit it. And that, when all is said and done, is truly the funniest joke of them all.

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