Jake sips the De-Rutginated THE HITCHER remake, finds it is brewed with a less potent Bean

By Jake Dee

Director: Dave Meyers
Starring: Sean Bean, Sofia Bush
Released: 2007

So I’m scraping my way through channels late night and I see The Hitcher listed. I’m like rad, Rutger Hauer is bad ass, even if only a mere five foot three (he’s listed as 6′1″ on imdb, but I can’t buy that). So I land on the channel, quickly realizing that it’s not the Hauer version, but the 2007 remake instead. Temporary disappointment is sullied my desire for a good laugh, so I decide to stay on the channel. I did not laugh! This 80 something minute sorry ass excuse for a motion picture only intensified my support for time travel; for I surely could’ve done something more constructive if I had that hour and a half back…pulling my own teeth out, for example.

The flick opens with a noticeably CGI rabbit darting across a highway and getting mutilated by a passing car. And that’s really my assessment of the film! The movie wants to be a cute little creature, in dire need of love, to be cuddled…yet because of a perfect s*** storm of poor execution in almost every department, from script to acting; the cuddly creature is crushed and bloodied by a multi-ton piece of moving metal. That metal; reality! In other words, this movie is a f***ing disaster!

Unlike the Harrison Ford model, the Sean Bean (SEEN-been) Personal Driver Bot cannot be threatened into working; you have to tell it how awesome GoldenEye was.

As soon as this thing started, and the trendy teenie bopper “rock” track pumped in, I thought to myself, oh here we go, another MTV movie filled with nothing but style over substance. Then I caught a glimpse at the director credit! Turns out this piece was actually helmed by Dave Meyers, a sophomore effort by the highly sought after music video director who has worked with such varying artists as Nas and Outkast to Whitney…I mean Britney Spears and Creed. And honestly, that’s exactly how the movie feels, like one long 84 minute music video. Seriously, at times Meyers lets entire 3, 4 minute tracks play out over random images like you’d see in a lame ass VH1 all nighter. He even digs up a ten year old NIN track, you know, for eeriness.

We’re quickly acquainted with our two leads, Jim Halsey (Zachary Knighton) and Grace Andrews (Sofia Bush). They’re a couple of college kids looking to have a nice lakeside weekend, some typical post-adolescent fun. While trudging thru a torrential downpour in a muscled out Oldsmobile, the couple almost hits a lone hitch hiker perched aside the road. The car spins out, and as the stranger ominously approaches the car, Jim peels out in his face at the last minute (Grace, with a bad feeling, decides it’s best to call for help). Then they stop to fill up at a gas station not too far down the road.

Of course the hitcher shows up at the gas station, all smiles, asking Jim for a ride to the nearest motel a few miles away. John Ryder (Sean Bean) he calls himself, charming his way into the couple’s car. Not too long thereafter, Ryder busts Jim’s cell phone, pulls a knife and lunges at Grace in the backseat. Jim goes frantic, some how physically kicking Ryder out of the moving car. Cut to next morning, where the couple is passed out in the car on the side of the road. Shoot, I wouldn’t have stopped for anything short of a box of NoDoz to keep me jacked up for 2-3 days, long enough to leave the maniac far in the dust. But no, this along with a trove of other ridiculous scenes ensure the menace of Ryder, he keeps showing up out of the blue.

For f**ksakes, the original also had Soul Man chameleon C. Thomas Howell.

The movie speeds way too fast for its own good; there is never any breathing room for a plot to develop. Instead, it’s just one long situation, a tired one at that, dragged out for the duration. It’s the literary equivalent to an essay composed of a single paragraph, no grammar or period marks to punctuate the action. It’s like a giant run on sentence! This is strange, and really quite antithetical to the original, where a slow cat and mouse guessing game climaxes with a taut show down between the Halsey and Ryder. Here, the script is flipped; Grace is the survivor having to go toe to toe with Ryder in the finale.

Aside from a few names and a sequence or two, this remake has little in common with its predecessor. First of all, in this type of role, comparing Rutger Hauer and Sean Bean is like comparing a grenade to a sling shot; sure both pack a punch, just one’s a tad more forceful. Here, Bean looks stuck in a bad MacGyver episode, doing all he can with poor material and even worse direction by Mr. Music Video. Please, for all that’s good in the world, just stick to Missy videos, Davey!

Favorite Part: There’s a gas station clerk who goes on about milking donkeys and fixing his Camero, it’s kind of funny. I kind of like how Grace is the bad ass here, Jim just a whiny weakling.

The Overall Dee-Cision: Don’t Watch It!

A Taste of the Good Stuff with Rutger Hauer.*
*Check local listings

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