Skinwalkers Review

By Lee Arcuri

I can think of a great many positive things about this movie. For instance, there was a six-shooter packing Grandma Werewolf who was fun for a few minutes. My grandmother only knits. Let’s see, what else?

Hmmm…

Ok, I guess it only had one positive thing: Grandma Werewolf.

But mostly what this movie has in store is disappointment. So let’s just take a moment to fully appreciate Grandma Werewolf.

When the going gets tough, Grandma Werewolf gets tougher. She gets shot at least five or six times and keeps right on ticking. She packs a mean-looking Dirty Harry style revolver. Not only that, but her homemade meatballs are to die for.

I’m speculating about the meatballs. But seriously, if someone would please make a movie called Grandma Werewolf I would be your slave for life.

Her greatness calls for a Haiku:

Oh, Grandma Werewolf!
She’ll pop a cap in your rear
when the moon is full.

Can you appreciate the metaphoric connection of the full moon and someone’s rear end? Yes, I am a poetic genius.

I am stalling because I really don’t want to talk about this movie. But I guess I have to.

Skinwalkers begins with an explanation of Native American legend about people called (wait for it!) skinwalkers who can shape shift into any animal they desire. Clearly this is not talking about the characters in the movie, because they are just run-of-the-mill werewolves that have little to no resemblance to the skinwalker myth at all. I assume we just needed a cool name for a movie, and Blood and Chocolate was already taken.

Then we see a super righteous evil hardcore biker werewolf chick lay the smack down on some dude for information. This is our introduction to the villain. Just kidding. She has one scene, and then doesn’t appear again in the entire movie. Awesome. Glad we introduced her. Moving on.

Then we are introduced to a pack of nice, friendly, good werewolves. This is our introduction to our heroes. Just kidding. These people die.

Eventually we get to our characters, and the plot is given to us: There are two warring clans of werewolves. The good guys refuse to eat people, instead chaining themselves up on the full moon so they don’t hurt anyone. The bad guys “embrace their beast” as they say, and fully munch down on people once a month. Once you feed on someone, there is no going back. Sort of like how if you eat one Pringle, it’s all over, and you just have to keep eating them until the whole can is done. Especially if we’re talking about the salt and vinegar ones. Those are awesome.

Then we learn about the existence of a wolf/human hybrid boy, who, according to prophecy, will be able to cure all werewolves of their curse when he turns 13.

The good werewolves want to be cured, but the bad ones don’t, because they are addicted to people flesh. It’s really not their fault. They can’t help it. So the bad guys are searching for the boy in order to kill him so he can’t fulfill the prophecy.

Let me just tell you how inept the storytelling is. This is probably one of my most favorite things I have ever seen in a movie. Seriously. Listen. So this pack of four evil biker werewolves who are searching for the boy discover a clue as to where the boy might be. All they have to go on is the name of a town.

So they ride into this town on their motorcycles. And then they park their bikes. And then, are you ready for it?

They pull out big giant guns and begin to walk around on foot.

What?

They’re going to search an entire town ON FOOT? For a boy they’ve never even seen before ever in their lives and have no information about? Carrying shotguns and stuff around? In the middle of the day? And no one is going to notice? This is a plan they think is going to work?

Of course, this plan works perfectly and within 23 seconds they run right into the boy walking with his Grandma. They don’t know what the boy looks like, but since all towns have a “one boy per town” policy they have obviously found their mark.

What they didn’t count on was that Grandma wasn’t just Grandma. She was Grandma Werewolf. Aw yeah. But then the most infuriatingly bad gunfight breaks out. Probably one of the most poorly directed I’ve ever seen. You know, the kind where the bad guys stand in the middle of the street, not hiding behind anything, not taking cover (but looking super cool!), and five good guys with automatic weapons can’t hit them from a dozen feet away. Even Grandma Werewolf turns out to be a lousy shot.

And this sets the tone for the rest of the movie: Ridiculously plotted and ineptly executed. Not even Grandma Werewolf’s famous meatballs could make me feel better about this mess.

That being said, I would watch Skinwalkers all day long before I ever would watch Blood and Chocolate again. For real.

© LameMovies.net