The Last Kiss Review

By Jake Dee

Director: Tony Goldwyn
Starring: Zach Braff, Jacinda Barrett
Released: 2006

Zach Braff is a mystery to me. Not so much the person, but his success really. Or should I say fortune? You can’t say he’s good looking can you? (Ladies back me up here). It’s not like he’s just another slab of eye candy that stars in pictures as way to attract ticket sales from young girls, is he? I mean, the guy looks like the mutant love child of Ray Romano and David Brenner, does he not?!? Can you honestly distinguish talent in Braff when he merely plays a wacky TV character in a market saturated with shows filled you guessed it…wacky TV characters? (But do I own Garden State? Never mind!)

The Last Kiss, an alleged comedy, plays much more like a somber car crash of emotion between early 30 something couples. There are so few likable characters here that you have to sit uncomfortably and force yourself to continue watching. At least that’s how I felt! There are some real tone issues in the movie; I suppose that’s what I’m getting at. Early on it has vulgar somewhat prurient humor, and by the end it’s such a downer you just want to leave the screening room and go slam your head against a wall. But again, that’s just how I felt!

We open with a seemingly happy couple of Michael and Jenna (Braff and Barrett), toasting around a dinner table with family about a newly expected first child. Their relationship is quickly escalating, with a newborn on the way; Jenna suggests that she and Michael buy a new house. Only we can tell by Braff’s stolid facial expressions, as if he’s mired in a Xanax stupor, that he’s slowly losing interest in the relationship. He’s nearing thirty, feels his life is too predictable.

Then one day at a close friend’s wedding, Michael randomly meets a sexy young college girl named Kim (Rachel Bilson). She approaches him (Bilson approaching Braff, uh okay), comes on pretty strong in a way Michael can’t refuse, or doesn’t want to refuse, either way he finds out where she likes to hang with her friends after class on weekdays. Michael’s friends, on the other hand, include the blonde bartending bimbo Kenny (Eric Christian Olsen) who sleeps with a different girl a night, the brooding imbecile Izzy (Michael Weston) who tries to win his ex-high school sweet heart back, and the lachrymose Chris (Casey Affleck) who mopes around verging tears at the thought of becoming a real father. Together, these guys are about as funny as dental banquet.

Days pass, Michael slowly starts to entertain the notion of seeing Kim. His life is boring and he’s actually willing to cheat on is wife of three months pregnant. Good move, right? Infidelity is at the core of this picture; just look at Jenna’s parents for example. Her father Steven (Tom Wilkinson) doesn’t give his wife Anna (Blythe Danner) the time of day any more, rudely shunning and condescending her at will. We learn that Anna has been unhappy with this for years, and in the past has had an affair with a since re-married doctor (Harold Ramis). Ramis, widely known for comedy appears in a single scene cameo, and for reasons unknown, has absolutely zero comic material to work with. Any actor could have played this part; it’s like bringing a lone scene of DeNiro to a musical! And Danner and Wilkinson have dramatic scenes that belong in a different movie entirely. I’m pretty confident in saying they are the two best actors in this picture, but they way they are utilized is shamefully reminiscent of a non-network noon time soap. Sad!

So he does it. Michael cheats on his wife, some steamy post-party dorm room action with Kim. The nineteen year old seems to be falling for him much harder than he for her; showing up at his work in the following days with a wrapped mixed CD as a gift. Only, Michael is fickle and wants to eat his cake as well, so he apologetically slimes back to his wife and tries to play like nothing happened. She discovers the affair thru an alibi communication mix-up between Michael and his unwillingly accomplice Chris, who is battling his own home life hardship (still brinking tears!). Michael professes that his foul up was a test of true love, that now he honestly knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with Jenna, the mother of his unborn child. She cries a lot. Then some more! Then again! Slowly, she lets Michael back into her life after he camps out on her front porch for a few days. Jenna isn’t happy in the end per say, but isn’t willing to throw away her relationship either. Cue the god awful emo track and roll credits.

The Last Kiss? More like The Last Piss; this picture resembles a tall glass of hot urine. Written mind you, by Oscar winning writer/director Paul Haggis (In all fairness, he also CREATED Walker, Texas Ranger, so…), which reaffirms that his A-list status is or perhaps was indeed ephemeral (I did like In the Valley of Elah, but mainly for Lee Jones’ performance). Maybe the marketing for the movie is the issue. Maybe I expected a legitimate comedy and am judging it to harshly as a result. No, now I’m rationalizing, never mind…this movie sucks!

Favorite (?) Part: Kenny and Izzy, in some quarter life crisis, decide their best option is to go to South America with a collected $5700 as a way to ensure that they leave Wisconsin, their home town, at least once in their lives. They’re afraid that if they don’t get out now, they never will. So poof; there off, we don’t see them again. Chris blots the tears, takes responsibility as a single father, putting his relationship with the mother on hold for awhile. Some pretty lazy, cop out character arcs here!

The Overall Dee-Cision: Don’t Watch It!

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