Director: Ernest Dickerson
Starring: Adam Sandler, Damon Wayans
Released: 1996

By Jake Dee

It’s safe to say Adam Sandler has done pretty well for himself. Over the past decade or so, the humble SNL alum has transcended into mega movie star status, recently sharing screen time with Hollywood heavyweights like Don Cheadle in Reign Over Me and Jack Nicholson in Anger Management. He’s even branched out dramatically, working with esteemed directors like P.T. Anderson in Punch Drunk Love. But lately, every decent flick of his is usually neutralized by tepid fare like Click or I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, The Longest Yard, or his newest entry You Don’t Mess With the Zohan, whatever. In the halcyon days though, the Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore days, a nice variation on the themed buddy-cop picture entitled Bulletproof, co-starring Damon Wayans might have gotten lost in the shuffle.

continue reading "Bulletproof (1996) Review"

By Matthew Erickson

Dah De Dah Dah, Dah De dah….

Indiana is back, and this time he has a kid.

continue reading "Indiana Jones and the Continuing Haiku-athon"

By Andrea Baylis

Patrick Swayze is many things: philosophical bouncer and friend, dance instructor and passionate lover, surfer and arranger of bank heists, Hillbilly cop living in the big city, wise drag queen, and of course a proud and defiant WOLVERINE!

continue reading "Andrea relives the 80s with… RED DAWN"

By Jake Dee

Director: Dave Meyers
Starring: Sean Bean, Sofia Bush
Released: 2007

So I’m scraping my way through channels late night and I see The Hitcher listed. I’m like rad, Rutger Hauer is bad ass, even if only a mere five foot three (he’s listed as 6′1″ on imdb, but I can’t buy that). So I land on the channel, quickly realizing that it’s not the Hauer version, but the 2007 remake instead. Temporary disappointment is sullied my desire for a good laugh, so I decide to stay on the channel. I did not laugh! This 80 something minute sorry ass excuse for a motion picture only intensified my support for time travel; for I surely could’ve done something more constructive if I had that hour and a half back…pulling my own teeth out, for example.

continue reading "Jake sips the De-Rutginated THE HITCHER remake, finds it is brewed with a less potent Bean"

By Carlos Ascencio

Next is an action movie with a twist. Cris Johnson (Cage) can see two minutes in to the future and uses his powers to protect his new girlfriend Liz (Biel) and evade FBI agent Callie (Moore) from capturing him in order to stop a nuke from going off on American soil.

First of all, Cris has a bad haircut, it’s ugly as hell. Second, Cris, for some odd reason, can see more than two minutes in to the future when he’s with Liz which makes no sense at all because when Liz is kidnapped by terrorists Cris still sees more than two minutes ahead. Third, at one point the FBI tells Liz that Cris is a psychopath and a liar but she doesn’t believe them and tells Cris of their plan and he escapes. I don’t know about you, but if the FBI told me that the dude I just picked up and barely know is a psychopath I’d damn well believe them.

continue reading "Next (2007) Review"

By Jake Dee

Director: Mark L. Lester
Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rae Dawn Chong
Released: 1985

After achieving a glimpse of notoriety in the late seventies with the documentary Pumping Iron, Arnold Schwarzenegger quickly became a mainstay on the big screen as a macho, brutish tough guy. With his physical prowess exploited in early works like Red Sonja and Conan the Barbarian, it wasn’t long before he was pegged as playing a certain stereotypical role. Perhaps his most seminal part, The Terminator, took this stereotype to a whole new level of obduracy. He played a heartless, homicidal cyborg sent from the future, laying waste to most everything in his wake. As years went on, maturity settling in perhaps, Arnie’s film image began to soften. Junior, anyone? One of the reasons why I love this next movie I’m about to review; it plants the early seeds of sensitivity that would eventually butter up Arnie’s on screen, machine like exterior. In Commando, He’s at once a murderous madman, as well as over-protective loving father. Let’s get this thing started!

continue reading "Commando (1985) Review"

By Rob Rector

A great marketing tagline for “Jumper” could have been: Jumper: It’s “Highlander” for the myspace generation! Both feature leaps through space (and logic), centuries-old rivalries, and an acting vacuum for a lead (Christopher Lambert in ‘Highlander,’ Hayden Christensen in ‘Jumper’), and both are a laughable assault on the intellect (but ‘Jumper” lacks that groovin’ Queen soundtrack).
Jumper may also be notable for no other reason than Samuel L. Jackson managed to wear a more bizarre wig than his Gumby model he sported for “Unbreakable” a few years back.

continue reading "Jumper (2008) Review"

By Jake Dee

Director: Greg Beeman

Starring: Corey Haim, Corey Feldman

Released: 1988

It’s hard to believe that many in Hollywood attained more fame in the mid to late 80s than Corey Feldman and Corey Haim. Kirk Cameron maybe; or a 21 Jump Street Johnny Depp perhaps! Teen idols the Coreys were quickly dubbed; their posters and magazine cut-outs strewn on the walls of many of little girls across the country. Beginning with The Lost Boys in 1987 (part deux is in the works apparently); Haim and Feldman went on to star in seven movies together all the way up thru the mid 90s. But like most young stars in the fast lane (Lindsay, Britney?), a spiral of self destruction would take its toll, eventually relegating their careers to straight to video B-movies and reality TV shows (anyone see that VH1 debacle?!?). But before the downfall, a little teen comedy called License to Drive came out.

continue reading "License To Drive Review"

By Chad Jarrah

The fact that a human being can formulate something this unbelievably stupid boggles the mind. I’m almost afraid to discuss Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker! because the curiosity of how bad this garbage is might spurn others to watch it. This has happened before and will happen again. Case in point: “Two girl’s one cup.” Therefore instead of reviewing it I will simply complain and then give a list of better things to do with your time. (Editor’s note: We do not condone anyone viewing or searching for “two girls one cup”. It is not recommended for anyone. Ever.)

continue reading "Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker! Review"

By Paul Bennett, A.K.A. Cralion

Sylvester Stallone’s Rambo 2008 wasn’t disappointing! It was as entertaining as the three that preceded it, and just as full of murder and mayhem. It isn’t recommended for children under age 13, or for the squeamish if blood, guts and gore aren’t your fare. However, for the teenagers of the 70’s, and to the geriatric set watching an aged Rambo hot-foot-it through the jungle gave much needed life to some of their pacemaker driven hearts. I dare say he rivaled the speed of Superman and the Flashes as he raced to outrun a bomb blast…that he caused!

continue reading "Rambo (2008) Review"

By Alex Del Negro

I needn’t tell you that this is a bad movie. The title alone should be enough to convince one of this fact. If not, though, I’m certain the massive ad campaign waged when this film was first released against the hearts and minds of the discerning American movie-goer has already proved to be more than persuasive. Therefore, unless you’ve been living under a rock, in a cave, on Mars, with your eyes shut and hands over your ears alongside Nigel, Sideshow Bob’s brother from an obscure little television show entitled “The Simpsons,” chances are you’ve already decided for yourself just how terrible a film “Snakes on a Plane” really is. The question then becomes:

Is “Snakes on a Plane” a movie that ascribes to that old “so bad, it’s good” function of the inverse relation of quality to entertainment value in a universally recognized terrible film? Or is it just simply terrible?

continue reading "Snakes on a Plane: It’s Just Simply Terrible"

By Adam Goldstein

Nominated for 7 Razzies in 1995 (including Worst Picture, Worst Screenplay, and Worst Original Song), Congo failed to bring home a single award. But don’t let that fool you, because with Showgirls and Waterworld released the same year, the competition was strong. And Congo, ladies and gentlemen, is awful… awful great.

continue reading "Congo Review"

By Margaret Andrews

This movie is like It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World, only with more neo-Nazis and half the star power. A cast of crazy characters vie for the same destination in a race against time and each other, and for what? Money, of course.

continue reading "Smokin’ Aces Review"

By Lee Arcuri

Dead or Alive brilliantly captures the subtle nuances of a video game, such as having two-dimensional characters, and containing only the bare minimum of an intelligible plot. The video game prominently features women with bodacious Ta-Ta’s, and in this regard, the film adaptation is a success. But only if your criteria for success are bodacious Ta-Ta’s.

continue reading "DOA: Dead or Alive Review"

By Chad Jarrah

I’ve always wanted to see this movie, although I’m not quite sure why. I heard it was about a pimp/crime fighter and I thought that was a funny idea; maybe that was why. Also, it’s called “Pootie Tang”; that had to have something to do with my fascination. Despite these tempting qualities I never saw it. I could always see myself saying with a laugh ‘Hey I just saw Pootie Tang! Can you believe it?’ but I never could imagine saying the words that were a necessary precursor: ‘Anybody in the mood to rent Pootie Tang?’

continue reading "Pootie Tang Review"