Director: Roger Kumble
Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Amy Smart
Released: 2005

Very rarely does a PG-13 formula flick offer anything these days outside an upset stomach.  Predictable, diluted, cutely saccharine; these kinds of flicks are reserved for those adolescent couples who are too busy trying their hardest to hold hands in the theater instead of channeling interest in what’s being shown on screen. Director Roger Kumble, of Cruel Intentions (part deux as well) and College Road Trip fame, knows a thing or two about said odious formula.  Yet somehow, a charming little satire of his called Just Friends actually hits a decent mark.  It’s a silly movie, but it’s a funny one.  One with a heartbeat (even if arrhythmic); and that makes it somewhat of a winner!

Just Friends has quite the awkward opening; and really for the first 15-20 minutes, the film is a mess.  We’re subjected to random flashbacks and uncomfortably rapid character introductions. We get a retelling of our hero Chris Brander’s (Reynolds) painful high school memories as an overweight, unpopular geek who pines for his best friend Jamie Palomino (Smart), a girl who’s slept with every guy this side of town, leaving Chris in that much lamented “friends only” zone.  Even after graduation with a drunk and willing Jamie, Chris hasn’t the gall to make a move; instead another jock neck from the old class does it for him.  Chris idly watches another opportunity with Jamie fly right out the window.

Cut to L.A. ten years later, where Chris has transformed into a chic Hollywood playboy. He’s successful, lost the weight, and now dates models by the night. He’s become sarcastic though, much more mean spirited than we gathered in the opening sequence.  He works in the music business, and on new assignment we meet Samantha James (Anna Faris), a doltish blonde cotton candy pop singer cut from the same cloth as a Spears or an Ashley Simpson.  It’s Chris’ job to make sure Samantha travels safely, but their flight coincidentally lands near Chris’ home town somewhere in New Jersey.  It’s the holiday season, and as he takes Samantha to his house until further arrangements are made, we meet Chris’ family and friends.

His mother Carol (Julie Hagarty) is a sweet, soft spoken space case who balls like a 6 year old when first seeing her son after a decade.  Mike (Chris Marquette), Chris’ younger brother, is a smart-talking slacker who’s always liked to play pranks on his loser deemed brother.  You mix these personalities with that of Samantha James, it’s no wonder why Chris wants to immediately start drinking.  At his local watering hole, we meet old pals Clark (Fred Ewanuick) and Darla (Amy Matysio), high school sweethearts” who’ve since married and expect a child.  Then we see Jamie Palamino (Amy Smart), Chris’ former best friend and long desired love interest.  She’s moved back in with her parents, tends bar part time until she gets her teaching credentials.  Chris delays his next morning flight so he can have lunch and catch up with Jamie.

But instead of simply telling Jamie how he’s felt over the years, Chris tries his L.A. tactics of acting cold and distant, answering his cell whenever she discusses something of importance. Desperate to rise out of the “friends only” zone, Chris hatches a series of dishonest attempts at winning Jamie’s heart, or at least her pants.  He has competition however, a fellow highschool-nerd-turned-confident-heartthrob named Dusty Dinkleman (Chris Klein), a part time EMT who does all he can to woo Jamie with a song he’s been writing since high school.  It isn’t until Chris expresses to Jamie how he truly feels about her that allows them to grow into something more than friends.  Despite having a pretty good idea of where the film will end up, the journey getting there is quite fun. 

A lot of the humor in the movie comes from reaction shots.  Any time a joke falls flat, or isn’t entirely effective on its own, we simply get a close up of Ryan Reynolds, shocked, mouth agape…his character wishing he was in another place, any but home for the holidays.  After about a half hour, the flick picks up the pace and really hits its stride.  There’s a good forty or so minute chunk of time that could be watched on a continuous loop.  Parts are that funny!  It’s deliberately over the top, poking fun at stereotypes like the poor sap fat kid in school or the dumb blonde pop singers who eat tooth paste for fun.  Maybe It’s because this is not a typical teen comedy, for the humor to work well it has to be subtly carried by actors who, in all fairness, have been kicking it around for a decade or so (most of which cultivated in that teen genre).  To their credit, these actors pull it off!  

 
Favorite Part: While I like Dinkleman’s scenes a whole lot, I think the entire ice hockey sequence just might be the funniest.

The Overall Dee-Cision: Watch It!

© LameMovies.net

Six Pack is the story of Brewster Baker (played by Kenny Rogers) a NASCAR driver whose life is unexpectedly changed by his run-in with six orphans. When my brother-in-law told me about this movie my mouth watered at all the possibilities. Kenny Rogers? NASCAR? Orphans? I could make fun of this movie for days. I had to watch Six Pack. Soon enough the movie was playing and my sarcastic pen was poised ready to attack. Those orphans didn’t know what was going to hit them.

Manslaughterer Kenny Rogers working out near a small blond child.

Six Pack opens with Brewster driving into a small Texas town with his trailer and racecar in tow. He stops to fill up on gas at an old and dusty gas station, and to ‘shake the dew off his lily’ (I learned this colorful phrase from one of the orphans later in the film. Apparently it means shake the piss off your wiener. Not bad.). Brewster uses the bathroom and the audience is rewarded for having watched this much of the movie by a little physical comedy from Kenny Rogers himself. ‘The Gambler’ gets stuck in the bathroom, rips the doorknob off, and then climbs out of the window, breaking part of the roof and falling onto a conveniently placed pile of tires. Again, not bad. It actually looked pretty real and I chuckled in spite of myself. I had to focus:  STOP WATCHING THE MOVIE AND START MAKING FUN OF IT!!!

Finally out of the bathroom, Brewster comes to find that his racecar has been stripped of its parts. Kenny Rogers gets pissed and tails the thieves who try to make a getaway in their huge dairy van. What follows is a two minute car chase scene between two bulky trucks on fast forward with twangy banjo music playing in the background. Eventually the chase ends as the dairy van runs off the road into a river. First lesson for the day:  Don’t ƒυçk with Kenny Rogers.

After checking the wreckage, Brewster comes to find that the thieves are six mechanically inclined orphans who strip cars in exchange for meager wages from the town’s crooked sheriff. With their dairy van temporarily out of action, Brewster reluctantly agrees to take the kids with him to his next race to help them get away from the sheriff. At his next race he learns that the orphans can not only strip cars, but repair them efficiently. Although he tries numerous times to get rid of the aptly named ‘Six Pack’, they eventually enter into a symbiotic relationship:  The orphans fix Brewster’s car and help him win races and Brewster pretends to like the kids, giving them a false sense of hope that maybe he’ll adopt them.

And so Brewster goes from town to town, winning races and kicking ass. It should be noted here that in each town Kenny Rogers enters he inevitably has some hot country waitress chick jump all over him and try to get him to take her home. By the fourth waitress it dawned on me that Kenny Rogers was a country pimp. That’s when I learned my second lesson of the day:  Never date a woman from the south. She will leave you at the drop of a hat at the mere mention of Kenny Rogers’ name. Apparently, southern women find him irresistible. 

As Rogers continues to win his races, he begins gaining notoriety among the NASCAR circuit and is asked to become the Ford driver for the biggest race of the year, the Atlanta 500. Brewster agrees and enters the race alongside the best racers in the country. His dreams are being fulfilled and as he takes the lead, he realizes at his last pit check that he is one lap away from winning the prestigious race. He also realizes that his ‘Six Pack’ has disappeared. As his pit crew finishes up the adjustments on his car he learns that the crooked sheriff has taken the orphans into custody and is driving away with them at that moment. ‘What? Go Kenny, win the race! This is the chance you’ve been waiting for!’ I thought. ‘No, wait, get the kids. You love them now. What are you gonna do?’ I couldn’t believe how interested I had become in this movie. Lesson three for the day:  Be you man or women, no one can resist the charm of Kenny Rogers.

The soft-hearted Brewster makes the decision to go after the kids, forgoing his chance at first place. The movie ends with Brewster taming his wild ways, adopting the ‘Six Pack’ and marrying the main philly from his stable of hoes. Despite the fact that I went into Six Pack with claws bared, I came out with a reluctant respect for the movie. I am not ashamed to admit that I liked it (well maybe a little), and recommend it to all.

Here are a few of the bonuses you’ll get for watching Six Pack:

• A young Diane Lane plays 16 year old Breezy, the oldest of the orphans. Despite my fear of being caught on To Catch a Predator due to my lustful thoughts about the underage actress, I couldn’t help my attraction to her. She was hot.

• A weird stop motion scene between Kenny Rogers and an affectionate dog in the back of a pickup truck. Watching it made me feel dirty and uncomfortable, but I couldn’t turn my eyes away.

• The antagonist of this film is the same actor who played the inanimate Bernie, from Weekend at Bernie’s. I am still undecided as to which performance moved me more.

• Kenny Rogers’ main squeeze in the film is played by the hot chick from the science fiction Buck Rogers TV series, who is also the hot chick from Silver Spoons. She is super cool.

• Chuck Woolery makes an appearance as a sportscaster. Chuck Woolery is always worth mentioning. 

© LameMovies.net

Here are some more Movie review Haikus schlepped from this summers latest crop of wanna be blockbusters. Hold on to your hat Curtis, lest it be blown away.

Indiana Jones 4
Que Song , Roll it Steve!
For sixty, Indy moves well.
Spacemen? come on George.


The Strangers
Liv’s panties are off,
middle of night and nowhere,
don’t get door dummy!

The Incredible HULK
Bruce tries to run, hide
but “the man” finds Mister Green.
“Hulk Smash!” voiced by Lou.

The Happening
M. Night’s first “R” film
happens to have thrills, chills and
head scratching ending. 

Just a little side note: My girlfriend hates it when I refer to M. Night Shyamalan as M Night Shama lama ding dong.

© LameMovies.net

Director: Ernest Dickerson
Starring: Adam Sandler, Damon Wayans
Released: 1996

By Jake Dee

It’s safe to say Adam Sandler has done pretty well for himself. Over the past decade or so, the humble SNL alum has transcended into mega movie star status, recently sharing screen time with Hollywood heavyweights like Don Cheadle in Reign Over Me and Jack Nicholson in Anger Management. He’s even branched out dramatically, working with esteemed directors like P.T. Anderson in Punch Drunk Love. But lately, every decent flick of his is usually neutralized by tepid fare like Click or I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, The Longest Yard, or his newest entry You Don’t Mess With the Zohan, whatever. In the halcyon days though, the Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore days, a nice variation on the themed buddy-cop picture entitled Bulletproof, co-starring Damon Wayans might have gotten lost in the shuffle.

As we open, we meet Archie Moses (Sandler) and Rock Keats (Wayans), a couple of small time car thieves about to lift a $100,000 Ferrari. They steal it; make a hasty joke strewn getaway. A following bar scene illustrates just how close the two are; Rock physically defending Archie from a burly biker whose girl he was flirting with. A bond is clear and present between the two. So much so in fact, that Archie is willing to introduce Keats to crime boss and big time drug runner Frank Colton (James Caan), a nice gesture to help Keats earn a little extra doe. Only a little extra doe isn’t what Keats is after. Actually, his name isn’t even it Keats, it’s Jack Carter, an undercover cop assigned to foil the dastardly dealings of one Frank T. Colton; Archie’s just the human homing device.

Problem is; Jack’s spent a year becoming Archie’s friend in attempt to uncover the one major drug deal that puts Colton away for years. Close friends they’ve become, like brothers. On the day of the big sting, Carter becomes exposed, all hell unleashes and Moses accidentally shoots Carter in the head; a near fatal wound that requires a metal plate and extensive physical therapy upon recovery. Meet our physical therapist; a cold but beautiful looking woman named Traci Flynn (Kristen Wilson), who eventually begins dating Carter romantically. After recouping, Carter is assigned back on the case, for Archie won’t talk to anybody but the man he once deemed is best friend. Hard headed (the plate maybe), Carter finally agrees.
Upon transporting Archie, the two men make a narrow escape from Colton’s henchmen; the bulk of the film has them at each other’s throats like a high action Odd Couple tag-team. It’s like 48 hours, without the bigotry (or realism, as some might say). Every where the pairs goes, Colton’s men keep showing up, even in the most deserted of places. It soon becomes clear a mole is involved, keeping Colton abreast of Rock and Archie’s whereabouts. Traci is kidnapped, Rock and Archie must get her back and take down Colton all in one swoop; there’s a nice little climactic showdown at the tycoon’s mansion.
Deviating from the tired, played out buddy-cop flick, here we have men on both sides of the law, somewhat in the vein of a Midnight Run. This movie is an above average action comedy solely because of the two lead actors; their own different comic ability, and the effortless chemistry the two share on screen. Sure it might play like an amalgam of one long SNL/In Living Color sketch, but parts continue to create laughs upon repeat viewings, in specific Damon Wayans. A running gag has him verbally jabbing back and forth with a colleague; at one point he says: “Anyone ever tell you, you look damn funny!

Oh, and for those many a Sandler fanatic, the requisite Allen Covert sighting can be had. For those in the know not, Allen Covert, long time friend of Sandler, is an actor who has bit parts in almost every single Sandler film dating back to the obscure Going Overboard (a position since assumed by Rob Schneider). Covert was the homeless caddy in Happy Gilmore, the greasy ‘80s hipster in The Wedding Singer, etc. Here, Covert plays Detective Jones; a lowly wrung in the detective ladder, steps below Jack Carter. Director Ernest Dickerson (Juice, one of my favorites), a long time Spike Lee collaborator, keeps a brisk pace here, never over saturating the jokes or leaving too much time in between. In fact, aside from one painfully sappy late car scene, the only real problem I have is that the movie is too short. Running at 84 minutes, I feel like a good 15-20 minutes could have been added without a distracting hitch.
Favorite Part: When Jimmy Caan cinches his belt, unclips his little hair piece and tries to throw down as a 56 year old tough guy. Funny.

The Overall Dee-Cision: Watch It!

© LameMovies.net

It had been awhile since I last watched Robert Rodriguez’s camping trip to the cheese factory; his unabashed b-movie homage The Faculty, released in 1998. It’s a pretty bad but watchable flick about a deadly alien specie overtaking a Texas high school. Zeke (Hartnett), a smart but two-time senior spearheads a counterattack with a band of misfits who fell their foreign foes by jacking them with doses of home made meth. Featured in the flick though, is a roster of would be stars and entertainment personalities, albeit some more luminescent than others. Now that we’re ten years removed; let’s take a look back shall we?!?

Jordana Brewster - Yeah, I got not too much on this one except that Jordana Brewster’s character might be my favorite. I don’t know, might have something to do with super fine Panamanian girls in glasses. Just a hunch.

Clea DuVall - Clea deviates none, playing her same old gothic image who in a distracting twist, harbors secret feelings for a stud jock (Hatosy) who is suffering a his own sudden bout of identity crisis. The kicker, it’s clear as day that both of them harbor raging same sex tendencies. You’re fooling no one Mr. Rodriguez!

Laura Harris - Ever heard of this one? Me not so much either; a real wonder why she’s been demoted to Lifetime and other paltry TV fare. At the age of 32 no less!

Josh Hartnett - In I believe his first starring gig, Hartnett will look back with regret regarding a bedraggled hair cut that resembles nothing short of a cross between Tweedy bird’s ass and a mid-90s Ricki Lake wave-cut. Sad stuff, really.

Shawn Hatosy - Do you know who Shawn Hatosy is? Didn’t think so. I’ll move on!

Salma Hayek - Long time Rodriguez war horse, Salma plays a sexy nurse who adds little more than eye candy and aural (no, not that one) enticement with her thick Mexican accent. Shoot, my high school nurse looked like John Goodman - so a nice escapist departure for me personally.

Famke Jansenn - Before she was playing G-rated hard to get with Wolverine in the X-Men pictures, Famke appeared in this piece and was given less lines than a begging and broke a** cokehead. Only with much, much better lips!

Piper Laurie - A shame to see such a capable screen veteran relegated to expository one liners and cheap, unsubstantial casting. Here Laurie plays an alien teacher trying to convert innocent students, but really, I didn’t even know it was her until the credits. That’s how unnoticeable the mother of Carrie is in this pile.

Danny Masterson - Just around the same time he landed his That 70s’ Show gig, Masterson was still proudly kicking the awkward Ronald McDonald fro-piece, appearing as a glorified extra of a high school student roaming halls. A cameo at best here, but that sleazed out look hasn’t evolved much in a decade.

Christopher McDonald - Probably best known for playing Shooter McGavin in Happy Gilmore), here Chris has a throw away role as a semi-concerned father to Elijah’s character, one that really could have been played by anyone. His well trimmed, metro-sexual beard work though rivals that of another on our reunion list.

Robert Patrick - Just about six years removed from playing the mercurial T-1000 in T-2: Judgment Day; Robert Patrick looks like a poster boy for plastic surgery - a slick and stolid slope washed over his face. I think of all the actors in the flick, he takes the top ‘wooden acting’ award. Believe it or not, this guy’s still working.

Usher Raymond - Prior to confessing his desire to “make love in the club” and making girlies faint with creepy hip gyration, Usher actually appeared in a few low grade pictures. Here he looks no older than 14, 15; a waxy baby face sheen and dirty pencil ‘stache smeared over his upper-lip. Not too impressive indeed. Puberty’s a b*tch!

Jon Stewart - Just before we was helming his own show and espousing political bon mots, Stewy cooked up a ham-bone performance as a biology teacher fraught with just a filthy goatee that bohemian coffee shop poets and 17th century painters would find offensive. He spits line readings like a Scooby-Doo episode, but really it’s the beard that does all the work! No wonder he quit the film biz.

Elijah Wood - Yep, a long way from rocking frilly smocks and slaying dragons as a furry little hill dweller. Elijah has always had a youthful appearance, perhaps because he’s about 4′6”, but here he plays a high schooler that doesn’t look a day over 11. It’s like he literally came right off the set of Radio Flyer or The Good Son, filmed some five years prior.
Yeah, there’s not much of a point to this post, just a few unsettling observations surrounding some of the major (and minor) players in the entertainment scene. It’s a wonder how some remain to get work, and on the other hand - it’s quite clear why some of these cats haven’t been offered a substantial role since. Either way, if you can wade your way through the vat of nacho cheese, The Faculty is a pretty fun star-gaze if nothing else.

© LameMovies.net

When my cousin told me the premise behind Idiocracy, I nodded in approval. Why have I never heard of this movie? When I watched the old trailer for this movie on YouTube, I laughed, and again, I questioned myself: How could I have no recollection of having ever heard or seen anything about this film. Mike Judge’s (director of Office Space) comical answer to George Orwell’s 1984, tells of a horrifying, yet not altogether implausible, vision of humanity.

Idiocracy narrates the story of army private Joe Bauers, played by Luke Wilson. A regular ‘Joe’ in every sense of the word, Bauers is chosen for a top secret army experiment to be cryogenically frozen for one year. The ever compassionate U.S. Army chooses the most average of their enlisted, along with a prostitute named Rita (Maya Rudolph), to minimize their losses in case of a mishap. The army turns out to be correct in both their heartless calculation and the aforesaid mishap as Joe and Rita are mistakenly sent 500 years into the future.

This is where the movie takes a turn for the comically true. The future Joe finds himself in is considerably dumber than the world he left, making him easily the smartest human alive. For all the funny jabs at society Idiocracy offered, there always seemed to be a touch of truth behind it that left me ill at ease. Here are a few comparisons that I found to be noteworthy:

Funny: The names of future Americans. Have you always wanted to name your first born son after your favorite brand of cola, but feel it to be socially unacceptable? Well just wait a couple hundred years and Pepsi Smith may just be the most popular name around. In the film, every future character seems to have sold the rights to their name to some conglomerate company. Frito reluctantly helps Joe get an appointment with Dr. Lexus. It may not matter because Joe is slated to be ‘rehabilitated’ by Beef Supreme and Tylenol Jones. The only one that can save Joe now may be the honorable President of the United States: President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho. God Bless America!

But Possibly True: It seems even in current times that big companies have their names everywhere in order to widen their notoriety. Just take a look at most of our current sporting facilities. The Philadelphia Eagles used to play in Veteran Stadium, now they host their season at the Lincoln Financial Center. The Pittsburgh Steelers held their games at an aptly named Three Rivers Stadium, and now they kneel before the merciless ketchup tyrant at Heinz Field. It’s getting so you can’t turn a corner without being inundated with advertising. So it doesn’t really sound that far fetched that some company thirsting to spread their name even further, could eventually make an offer high enough to buy the rights to someone’s name.

Funny: President Dwayne Elizondo “Mountain Dew” Herbert Camacho. Dresses like a professional wrestler with his flamboyant uniform and overly muscled physique. Gives less than inspiring speeches and has a horrible vocabulary.

But Possibly True: President George Walker Bush. Acts like a professional wrestler in terms of his aggressive foreign policy tactics and his ‘war on terror…oh yeah….snap into a Slim Jim!’ Gives less than inspiring speeches and has a horrible vocabulary.

Once the movie was finished I was pleasantly surprised but still, my curiosity was not slaked. Why had I never heard of this movie? Thus began my research. Idiocracy was only released in 135 theaters in the U.S. and with box office receipts of just under half a million dollars. That’s it? More questions arose, leading to more answers. Why had it been released in so few theaters? Some theories pointed at the movie’s anti-corporate message: Law school at Costco, handjobs offered at Starbucks, and the replacement of Brawndo (a Gatorade-like energy drink) for water for practically every use, save toilet water. Powerful corporations may very well have given a complete lack of support to the movie that would make fun of them, thereby making it fail at the box office. After all, no advertising dollars equals no publicity.

The closet conspirator in me was annoyed that such a great movie could get such little attention or praise. As a result I implore anyone who reads this article: watch Idiocracy! And when you’re done, (if you agree) tell your friends how great it is. You’ll not only be entertaining yourself, but you’ll be fighting the power in the process. Viva la Joe Bauers!

© LameMovies.net

Dah De Dah Dah, Dah De dah….

Indiana is back, and this time he has a kid.

It is time to pull your commemorative hat and whip out of the “special room” that you and your wife set up after the kid went to college and get your behind to the nearest theater to catch Indiana Jones and the The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. When I first heard the news that Steven, George and Harry were actually planning to film a sequel after twenty years, I nearly wet myself in anticipation. Then, I scratched my head for five long minutes as I pondered the title. What on earth could the old fellow be up to? I decided to brush up on my Indiana-ology before the big event by watching all three of the previous Indiana Jones sagas.

Here are the Movie Review Haikus that I wrote for them…

Indiana Jones and the…

Raiders of the Lost Ark
Whip, gun and a hat,
World meets Indiana Jones
Changed Action Genre.

Temple of Doom
Call him Doctor Jones!
Hold on to your potatoes!
Fortune and Glory.

Last Crusade
Jones becomes “junior”
when teamed with dad to find cup
and battle Nazis.

© LameMovies.net

Here is another trio of movie review haikus…

La Vie En Rose
France’s first popstar’s
troubled life, cut short, shown through
run-around flashbacks.

Chumscrubber
Pills, teens, suicide
busy parent drink too much
It’s the suburbs.

Thumbsucker
A sensitive teen
with embarrassing habit
takes steps to grow up.

Wait a minute, thats not it. This week and this week only I have a bonus movie review haiku for you from a movie that I actually went to the theater and paid ten bucks to see…

Iron Man
A funny thrill ride.
Jr’s bounce back makes one ask
is he made of steel?

Sometimes Thumbsuckers and Chumscrubbers party with Tubthumpers and everyone tries each other’s sh*t.

© LameMovies.net

Director: Martin Weisz
Starring: Jessica Stroup, Michael McMillian
Released: 2007

Well well, evidently Hollywood not only excretes mounds of movie remakes, but sequels to remakes are becoming more and more fashionable. Ocean’s 11 gave way to Ocean’s 12 three years later, and with failure nowhere in sight; it didn’t take long to slate the production of Ocean’s 13 to be released in another three years. Often however, this trend is most visible in the horror realm, where original films, sometimes foreign, get dug up, rehashed and churned out onto the market in wide release. The result is usually watered down, uninspired, lacking in many areas, even PG-13. We’ve seen it with Ju-On, The Ring, whatever. Let’s take a look at an equally vapid R-Rated horror remake sequel; The Hills Have Eyes II.

The movie starts with a disclaimer, some non-sense about a place called Sector 16; a top secret military training facility in the New Mexican desert. Then in the first five minutes of screen time, we see three soldiers get shredded to death; one has his entrails eaten. But eaten by what? Apparently, a mutant family of cannibals who dwell in the mines beneath the mountains love to feast on innocent passers by, even if armed with assault rifles and other army fatigues. The army base has been ravaged; it’s up to future soldiers to end such an evil.

Cut to a fresh group of trainees; where the framing and set up is obvious that it doesn’t take but thirty seconds to realize who the two protagonists are. One is named David Napoli (Michael McMillian) and the other Amber Johnson (Jessica Stroup). We meet Sgt. Millstone (Flex Alexander), a tough talking, horrible acting superior who likes to give “Napoleon” as he calls him, a bad time; even consigning him to commode duty. As he guards the porta-potty, Napoli discovers something moving inside the toilet. He runs out screaming, warning Amber that “there’s a hand in the shi*er,” and then he make the poor girl go fish it out. And that’s really the high point here folks!

The power of horny is simply astounding. Like how you can give your boyfriend a pass for not showering to the point of a rotting head wound because your poor baby’s been “real stressed about the Johnson report,” or when you convince yourself you’ve been into Viggo the Carpathian ever since you hit puberty.

So that’s what we have, a group of young army recruits with perfect skin and perfect teeth, out to end the sick and twisted dealings of a blood hungry mutant race. Only there at a disadvantage, they’re on away turf, the mutants are comfortable in their habitat. At one point a deformed creature gets shot by a soldier, he just sort of grunts, does a somersault, and slithers his way back into a hole in the mountain. Minutes later, the soldier who fired, gets sucked into said hole, he becomes bloodied, mutilated.

Sgt. Millstone gets accidentally blasted and killed by one of his own men, which actually does the flick a favor by removing the worst actor by the half way point. The mutants are smarter than they appear (or don’t appear), running foils and booby traps to offset military arsenal. We witness a random colonel survive an attack, go crazy and shoot himself dead, but not before he advises the others to escape thru the mines beneath base, thru the lions den so to speak. So they do, and before long a soldier named Missy (Daniella Alonso) is captured and taken to a dark lair where male mutants squabble over her body.

David and Amber run into an affable mutant, one who helps the two hide from the rest of the evil dwellers. The two are led thru a maze of excoriated limbs, hacked off body parts and collected trinkets from strangers over the years. As they wade thru the mines, they hear Missy screaming, they decide to rescue their comrade before getting the f*** out of dodge. But they don’t know how bad Missy has it. She’s become a breeding host, raped by the “dad” of the mutant gang. I’m not sure that after being raped and frothed on by the leader of a dirty, cannibalistic, underground, inbred mutant clan that she’d even want to be rescued, much less go on living. These scenes are not scary, they’re not disturbing…they’re down right disgusting. I’ve seen more tasteful porn!

In the opening credits, I couldn’t help but notice Michael Bay’s name listed as a producer. Apparently nothing is sacred to this clown, he’s not only remade this from Craven’s 1977 version, but he also helmed the 2003 Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, and I just got word that he is remaking Polanski’s 1968 cult film Rosemary’s Baby. What a f***ing travesty! This guy is a major blight on the industry, no bones about it. It should also be noted that Wes Craven actually wrote the script for this remake, with his son Jonathan. It’s clear even the most legendary horror proponents have a selling price. Hope it was worth it Wes!

Favorite Part: None that stick out.

The Overall Dee-cision: Don’t Watch it!

© LameMovies.net

If one were to gather a group of friends to compare opinions on great comedies, the only constant would be that opinions vary. I’m sure a few staple comedies would probably be included on most lists, like Old School and Tommy Boy, Animal House and Caddyshack but, otherwise, everybody has their own preferences. A friend of mine happens to think that The Jerk is the greatest comedy of all time. Quite frankly, it does nothing more than annoy me. Alternately, my list would include a few picks that may draw a questioning eye. One movie that would definitely make my list, and I feel frequently receives too little credit, is Joe Pesci’s 1991 comedy, The Super.

Pesci tells Bobby he’s “doing a pikcher in which I interact with black youts.” His moled friend’s entire career is eclipsed in a matter of a sentence fragment.

The movie is about the son of a slum lord, Louie Kritski Jr. played by Joe Pesci, who inherits one of his father’s buildings. Due to the son’s lack of concern for the welfare and physical safety of his tenants, he is sentenced to live in his own dilapidated building until the necessary building repairs are made. The premise is decent, but honestly, it means nothing without Joe Pesci. Seeing him move the way no human should ever move had me cracking up from start to finish. For those willing to trust my judgment and brave The Super, here are a few highlights one should look for:

- Within 15 minutes Pesci has a full body spasm on a treadmill. A hunched over and unhealthy looking Kritski takes quick baby steps on a treadmill going a couple speed levels too fast. I couldn’t stop laughing when I saw it and if anyone gets up to this point in the movie, there’ll be no turning back. Although comical, Pesci and fitness equipment go together like hot dogs and hot fudge.

- Kritski’s attempt at kicking game. As he tries to woo the attorney who prosecuted him, he claims that his great body attracts women ‘like a magnet to a refrigerator.’ He also asks the same attorney out for lunch moments later: ‘I still want to take you to lunch.’ After she denies his request, the ever-resilient Kritski responds: ‘Alright, forget lunch, we’ll just hump.’ So smooth.

More like Handjob for your Heart Double Feature!!

- The entire basketball scene. Kritski is asked to play basketball by one of his tenants and what ensues is nothing short of beautiful. Kritski’s outfit, the body language he uses to ask for the ball, the way he bumbles through the pickup games, and even his unlikely dunk; all of it is physical comedy at its best. (Nota bene: one of the neighborhood kids calls Kritski a scrub at the end of the game. I coughed grilled cheese all over myself laughing. This word is not used nearly enough and should resurrect itself from the depths of 90’s vernacular.)

- The entire dancing scene. Joe Pesci dances…I think. Again, Kritski hunches over, performing a lot of moves that involve air punching. Paired with his pseudo-tap steps and painful facial expressions, this dance scene is one for the ages. I loved it and could watch it over and over again.

In the end, Louis Kritski empathizes with the plight of his downtrodden tenants and makes the necessary repairs to his building, in spite of his father’s disapproval. This should matter, but it doesn’t. What matters is that Joe Pesci’s physical comedy is a pure delight. Think Joe Pesci is incapable of physical comedy? Think again scrubs, and watch The Super. Who knows? Maybe you’ll enjoy it over a few fudge covered hot dogs.

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Patrick Swayze is many things: philosophical bouncer and friend, dance instructor and passionate lover, surfer and arranger of bank heists, Hillbilly cop living in the big city, wise drag queen, and of course a proud and defiant WOLVERINE!

Oh yes my friends, we’re talking the Cold War classic from 1984, Red Dawn. If you are anyone who grew up in the 80’s, you’ve seen this movie at least once. Even if only viewed on TBS on a Saturday afternoon, the message of this movie is clear: 1) Get off my lawn! 2) Those Commie rat-bastards deserve to die. Playing on the fears of middle-America during the height of the ‘Russia bad/ America good’ Cold War, Red Dawn depicts a quiet little mountain town overrun by an influx of Cuban and Soviet troops.

I thought I had a bunch of cold wars around my mouth but they turned out to be herpes.

The stars and heroes of this movie are teen brothers Jed and Matt (played by Patrick Swayze and Charlie Sheen). They are a close pair who quickly learn their sleepy little mountain town has been taken over and they just ain’t going down like that. Within the first ten minutes of the movie, a swarthy band of paratroopers arrive on school grounds. In no time at all we have blood and carnage. People die and the bullets go a’flyin’. It’s pretty sweet. Ack! The horror! Fleeing in their super-awesome man truck, Jed and Matt and a few others pile in while narrowly escaping with their lives. The drama! The teens gather requisite supplies and head for the mountains because, after all, they can survive up there. They are skilled marksmen and hunters; after all, they were raised to be real men. No tears or sissy crap in this movie–no way, no how.

The remaining townspeople are corralled into a modern-day internment camp and slowly fed the Communist agenda. Integration! Acceptance! Proud Poppa, played by the lovable and sometimes grizzled Harry Dean Stanton, ain’t swallowing that filthy load for nobody. He proves resistant to propaganda and, in the end, chokes on a mouthful of Commie ammo anyway.

But back to the story…through plot progression, the audience learns that bad guys are looking for Jed & Matt and they’ll stop at nothing to find them. It’s US versus THEM–or else. To keep a semblance of normalcy, our heroes make occasional stops to rural ranches in hopes of getting the latest ‘word’ on how the Comrades are taking over America. During one of these visits, an older rancher says he has some ‘special cargo’ for Jed & Matt. Said cargo comes in the form of Dirty Dancing Jennifer Grey and Some Kind of Wonderful Lea Thompson. Yep, the granddaughters of the old farmer join the group and so begins the real carnage.^1. In what could be thought of as a surprise twist considering other roles as masturbation fodder for young boys, Grey & Thompson actually end up kicking some ass. They can blow sh*t up, too.

“Those Russians down there are probably like the rest of their kind and don’t know anything about supporting characters in contemporary family entertainment, so you turn into Emma Watson and I’ll look like the older brother from Honey I Shrunk the Kids and we’re gonna be stealthy as f*ck.”

In the end though, with the odds stacked against them, the kids didn’t have much of a chance. And, as expected, one can surmise their fates were sealed when those Commie rat-bastards decided to mess with the wrong bunch of kids.

Like so many movies like it from the 80s (Commando comes to mind), this flick has a plethora of awesomely bad dialogue. When writing this review I was drawing a blank on a bank of quotable passages so thanks to IMDB, I am passing some along to you. As you will see, context is irrelevant as the text is stand alone material:

Jed Eckert: [throws him down, growling with rage] AAAAGGHHH! You SON OF A BITCH!

Matt Eckert: We still got plenty of meat left.

Toni: [her dying words, to Jed] Go on ahead. I’m just gonna stay here and listen to the wind a while, okay?

Danny: They were people!
Robert: Yeah, well, so was my dad.

Bottom line… if you are looking for a deeper meaning, don’t watch this. If you are on a date, don’t watch this. If you are hoping to see a shirtless McDreamy from Grey’s Anatomy, don’t watch this. If you want a feel-good family flick, don’t watch this. If you are into heavy artillery, go rent this now. If you drink the blood of animals, go rent this now. If you think Russian Commies are the scourge of the earth, go rent this now. If you want to high-five your buddies over a case of beer, go rent this now. If you just want to see sh*t explode, go rent this now.

^1.DVD extra! (Actually, one of the bonus features of my DVD is a ‘Carnage Counter.’ Yes, that’s right. If you’d like to make a tally of dead Commies, rockets shot, or deer killed, turn this feature on immediately.)

© LameMovies.net

Click on Danny’s loathed memories for some fast-paced video fun.

The Captain’s office sets the scene as Danny confronts Danny. Toes are stepped on, wars are waged within and without.

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Here is another batch of those movie reviews in the form of Haiku.

Summer Of Sam
New York gripped in fear
as sun and Sam take their toll.
Neither good nor bad.

Summer of Sam star Leg-Zam in a straw Gaucho hat.

Micheal Clayton
Intricate thriller.
“Niche” Lawyer finds ugly truth
about big business.

Bubba Ho-Tep
Bruce is “bruce”tastic
as mummy fighting Elvis.
Not your crappy camp.

I was going to do Movie Review Sonnets, but the name was just not catchy enough and iambic pentameter is a harsh mistress.

© LameMovies.net

Director: Dave Meyers
Starring: Sean Bean, Sofia Bush
Released: 2007

So I’m scraping my way through channels late night and I see The Hitcher listed. I’m like rad, Rutger Hauer is bad ass, even if only a mere five foot three (he’s listed as 6′1″ on imdb, but I can’t buy that). So I land on the channel, quickly realizing that it’s not the Hauer version, but the 2007 remake instead. Temporary disappointment is sullied my desire for a good laugh, so I decide to stay on the channel. I did not laugh! This 80 something minute sorry ass excuse for a motion picture only intensified my support for time travel; for I surely could’ve done something more constructive if I had that hour and a half back…pulling my own teeth out, for example.

The flick opens with a noticeably CGI rabbit darting across a highway and getting mutilated by a passing car. And that’s really my assessment of the film! The movie wants to be a cute little creature, in dire need of love, to be cuddled…yet because of a perfect s*** storm of poor execution in almost every department, from script to acting; the cuddly creature is crushed and bloodied by a multi-ton piece of moving metal. That metal; reality! In other words, this movie is a f***ing disaster!

Unlike the Harrison Ford model, the Sean Bean (SEEN-been) Personal Driver Bot cannot be threatened into working; you have to tell it how awesome GoldenEye was.

As soon as this thing started, and the trendy teenie bopper “rock” track pumped in, I thought to myself, oh here we go, another MTV movie filled with nothing but style over substance. Then I caught a glimpse at the director credit! Turns out this piece was actually helmed by Dave Meyers, a sophomore effort by the highly sought after music video director who has worked with such varying artists as Nas and Outkast to Whitney…I mean Britney Spears and Creed. And honestly, that’s exactly how the movie feels, like one long 84 minute music video. Seriously, at times Meyers lets entire 3, 4 minute tracks play out over random images like you’d see in a lame ass VH1 all nighter. He even digs up a ten year old NIN track, you know, for eeriness.

We’re quickly acquainted with our two leads, Jim Halsey (Zachary Knighton) and Grace Andrews (Sofia Bush). They’re a couple of college kids looking to have a nice lakeside weekend, some typical post-adolescent fun. While trudging thru a torrential downpour in a muscled out Oldsmobile, the couple almost hits a lone hitch hiker perched aside the road. The car spins out, and as the stranger ominously approaches the car, Jim peels out in his face at the last minute (Grace, with a bad feeling, decides it’s best to call for help). Then they stop to fill up at a gas station not too far down the road.

Of course the hitcher shows up at the gas station, all smiles, asking Jim for a ride to the nearest motel a few miles away. John Ryder (Sean Bean) he calls himself, charming his way into the couple’s car. Not too long thereafter, Ryder busts Jim’s cell phone, pulls a knife and lunges at Grace in the backseat. Jim goes frantic, some how physically kicking Ryder out of the moving car. Cut to next morning, where the couple is passed out in the car on the side of the road. Shoot, I wouldn’t have stopped for anything short of a box of NoDoz to keep me jacked up for 2-3 days, long enough to leave the maniac far in the dust. But no, this along with a trove of other ridiculous scenes ensure the menace of Ryder, he keeps showing up out of the blue.

For f**ksakes, the original also had Soul Man chameleon C. Thomas Howell.

The movie speeds way too fast for its own good; there is never any breathing room for a plot to develop. Instead, it’s just one long situation, a tired one at that, dragged out for the duration. It’s the literary equivalent to an essay composed of a single paragraph, no grammar or period marks to punctuate the action. It’s like a giant run on sentence! This is strange, and really quite antithetical to the original, where a slow cat and mouse guessing game climaxes with a taut show down between the Halsey and Ryder. Here, the script is flipped; Grace is the survivor having to go toe to toe with Ryder in the finale.

Aside from a few names and a sequence or two, this remake has little in common with its predecessor. First of all, in this type of role, comparing Rutger Hauer and Sean Bean is like comparing a grenade to a sling shot; sure both pack a punch, just one’s a tad more forceful. Here, Bean looks stuck in a bad MacGyver episode, doing all he can with poor material and even worse direction by Mr. Music Video. Please, for all that’s good in the world, just stick to Missy videos, Davey!

Favorite Part: There’s a gas station clerk who goes on about milking donkeys and fixing his Camero, it’s kind of funny. I kind of like how Grace is the bad ass here, Jim just a whiny weakling.

The Overall Dee-Cision: Don’t Watch It!

A Taste of the Good Stuff with Rutger Hauer.*
*Check local listings

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                              For the girls: Josh Hartnett looking cute all rosy cheeked and bundled up
                              For the boys: bloodthirsty vampires (but no naked chicks or beer)
                              For the ladies: a hint of a romance gone south
                              For the dudes: an ax and a couple other fun big boy toys

I confess, I had been wanting to see this movie for a while. Even as a female, I find gory horror flicks greatly entertaining. The cheesier the better is usually my mantra. This coming from the woman who recently purchased Re-Animator. Granted, I don’t usually find much terrifying about ‘scary’ movies but the prosthetics, CG effects and blood spraying mayhem elements usually please me enough.

Plot: B

Hi Trent Reznor!… Oh sorry, Jesus, I thought you were Trent… Oh sorry, Mike Binder, I thought you were Jesus.

The setting for 30 Days of Night is Barrow, Alaska, which is also the northernmost town in the U.S. In Josh Hartnett’s Barrow, the town is losing two-thirds of its population because, as the title indicates, they are about to head into a month-long darkness. You know, that Arctic Circle thing. Conveniently enough for the plot of the movie, Barrow is cutoff from the world during this 30-day period: no roads, no planes, nada. A creepy stranger also burns cellphones and kills all the sled dogs. In regular slasher movies if the dumb blonde goes to investigate the weird ‘noise’ she invariably dies a wickedly awesome death: garden shears through the brain, plucked-out eyeballs, beheading, tossed into the wood chipper– you get what I’m saying. Similarly, if the electricity is cut, people will also die…and soon. Such is the case in this movie. They are so screwed. Game on. Even Hartnett and his pretty flyboys from Pearl Harbor can’t save this one. That’s right, a band of rogue vampires has invaded Barrow and they are thirsty. Really thirsty. Like 4 big Gatorades for a hangover thirsty.

During the next 100 minutes or so the vampires proceed to attack, kill and ‘turn’ otherwise regular law-abiding snow bunnies into burbling heaps of ground beef. (For the gore fanatics, there is an adequate amount of blood in this movie and a few creative death scenes.) In typical hero fashion, Hartnett who is playing the town Sheriff and local hottie,manages to wrangle some lone survivors together to wait it out. The ‘let’s not get eaten’ plan soon takes effect. And so begins the saga of 30 Days of Night.

Casting: C-
I have never found Hartnett particularly interesting in anything but perhaps that’s just me. However, the actor who plays the mysterious stranger (Ben Foster) tends to play stuff really intense. I’m into that. He was also Russell Crowe’s sidekick in 3:10 to Yuma in which I thought he was great and very believable. Again, bringing the intense thing. Foster’s character disappears not long into the movie but if he was on screen longer, this grade would have improved.

Not wishing to carry any ethnic authenticity, the casting team for this movie cast about 98% Caucasian actors. Alaska is a place I have never seen but one day, I would like to gothere. Even so, I know that the majority of the Alaskan population (and certainly that far north) is native. Translation: NOT white. Even the band of strange-tongued vampires are totally white and they ain’t no Eskimos. The one legitimate-looking Alaskan guy bites it with an ax courtesy of Hartnett. Yep, Our Hero becomes a killer. After it is revealed that the Alaskan dude has been ‘bitten,’ and he drivels on in a ho-hum speech about him not being able to kill himself in a previous attempt, Hartnett takes him to a private room to have his way with him. Not in a male-prison-don’t-drop-the-soap kind of way but more of an Off With His Head kind of way. And so ends the brown portion of the movie.

Aaaaaaaw. Fwozy Beard.

The Vampires: B+
I retract part of what I mentioned about the vampires. Their skin is of alabaster, but that isn’t all. They also have a catlike appearance with odd upturned eyes. A few of them are reminiscent of the Catlady of New York, Jocelyn Wildenstein. Dude, creepy. Ask the Google. The vampires have big vacant black eyes and small pointy teeth perfect for flesh-tearing. Romantic, isn’t it? These creatures of the night also wander the streets with blood-covered faces, shrieking high-pitched wails and eating their way down Main Street. With mad rabbit-hopping skills and superhuman strength, the vampires also seem to be impervious to the cold temperatures as they require no coats or appropriate winterwear. In Alaska. At night. One vampiress who meets a rather swell demise fades off into that sweet goodnight wearing nothing more than a flowy organza print dress and a pair of angry teen goth boots. Their poor bloodthirsty Mommies must worry they’ll catch cold. I hope they are keeping in touch. All in all though, the baddies just look badass.

The Ending: D+
Without giving away too much plot reveal I will say that the ending sucked. The big action finale pretty much has a ‘damned it they do, damned if they don’t’ sort of thing going on. And well, what Hartnett’s character chooses to do is not something I would ever consider as an option. In fact, the last minute or so of the movie had me laughing. It is meant to be a sweet and tender moment (going back to that romance thing) but man oh man, what a crapfest. I demand big explosions or more blood or more people dying.

Final: C+
If for nothing more than the cool vampires, watch this movie.

© LameMovies.net